That's right, folks - this is a failure story, written to inform of the shitty times awaiting QueerAF participants. Abandon all hope ye who enter here...

I matched with a Canadian woman on Tinder. She had a wife back home (plus a boyfriend/lovers etc etc) but was travelling Melbourne solo to meet some friends. We hit it off, I took her back to my place, we had a great night. We talked at length about how great the Melbourne lifestyle scene is (which, it is) and the various clubs and venues dotted around the city.

Well the next day, she asked if we could meet again - and if I could take her to WoW. It would have to be the Thursday though, as that was the only night she had free before leaving Australia.

So for those who don't know, WoW now hosts "QueerAF" on Thursday nights; the main description being

Whatever your gender or orientation is, you're welcome to this party!

Surely no problems to be found in sentence, right??

I was worried about attending a QueerAF night. Sure, I'm an ally - but I'm a pretty CisHet guy, and these spaces aren't for me. My bisexual femme friend would fit right in, but do I really need to be stomping into these protected grounds? The whole lifestyle is geared towards me, I hardly need to take up more space...

Well, I needn't have worried - the place was full of leery, crotch grabbing straight men. None of whom had any concerns about space stomping, I'm sure. Yes, there were some couples (mostly sticking to themselves). And yes, some gay guys were getting it on. But mostly, it was just a horde of single, thirsty men.

We started with a cursory tour and general pleasantries/discussion. There was no one even close to looking interesting to approach (and hardly surprising - who wants to open up/look welcoming when there are all these staring men around?) and I was feeling 0% vibe. As the omnipresent male gaze followed towards my partner I hustled her upstairs to try and find some space to ourselves... We passed a room where another couple was obviously having sex; obviously because

1. We could hear them as we went past
2. There were 6 men standing around the (closed) door - 2 trying to peek through the gap (one dude literally on his hands and knees) and 4 masturbating to the sound.

My partner went from uncomfortable to downright spooked. In an attempt to rescue the situation, I suggested we pull out The Big Guns and head to the steam sauna. Surely the sexy, dark atmosphere would be enough to revitalise the mood, right?

...No. We arrived to find ~10 men sitting in silence, save for the sound of throat clearing & hucking (seriously). We sat down, I turned to her and we attempted to have a modest make out session - but no sooner had we started when these men started to rise and shuffle towards us, cocks in hand. Within 5 seconds we had ~6 guys towering over us, standing in a semi-circle of cockbeating.

This time it was my turn to lose all arousal... I'm a pretty big, confident guy but even I was feeling claustrophobic. I stammered some excuse (from memory, I think I said "uhh, come with me, I think I forgot something), took her hand, pushed through the wall of men and stumbled out into the light. Jesus Christ!

We retired to the pool - well lit and therefore safe; predators don't like the light - and let out a big sigh of relief. We were able to laugh about the situation ("Well, that was certainly an experience!") but she left Wow, and afterwards Australia, with the opinion that lifestyle clubs are not for her.

Thanks, QueerAF.