I've learned that I've got two modes: cum quickly or cum ofter several hours of stimulation. I usually max out at cumin two times a night, but I can play for a long time without cumming the second time.

Knowing this about myself, I usually go quick for my first round with a partner (either right at the start of the night or before getting to a club) and then I give my refractory period some time to reset. Once I've gone the first round. I can then feel comfortable in knowing that I'll be "up" for whatever fun comes along, without worrying about anything.

Other things that work for me and others I've talked to:

• back off and squeeze the base of your shaft til the feeling goes by
• stop whatever is happening if you feel the build up, and shift your focus to "giving" rather than "receiving" for a while
• giving yourself a slower ramp up to intercourse, taking time with other things
• making sure your partner cums at least once before the focus switches to you
• removing yourself from the action and spending ism time watching, before jumping back in

Also, if you're struggling with staying hard (not uncommon in a situation that is unusual and full of unfamiliar sights and sounds and feelings) using a cock ring can give you some added "support". Go for the silicone, stretchy ones, and not a metal one until you've had a fair bit of experience (things can go very badly wrong with a metal ring that's not the right size).

You're not alone and the more you learn about yourself and try things out, the more confident you'll become.