Last night, I attended Queer AF at Wet On Wellington. Overall, I had an incredible time, but I did have a few disappointing encounters with some of the other patrons that left a bad taste in my mouth.

The first incident took place in one of the locker rooms. There was a guy standing in the corner, hurling cheesy pickup lines at any woman who came within five feet of him while he pretended to roll on a condom, but was actually clearly masturbating. Fortunately, he left shortly after, but unfortunately, it was before I could point him out to the staff.

The second incident took place upstairs. I ran into my friend, who was very upset, because somebody had repeatedly ‘accidentally’ brushed up against their ass and tits, and then thrown a used condom at them, like a fucking animal. Sadly, because this occurred in the hallway, where it was very dark, they didn’t see the person’s face.

The third incident took place towards the end of the evening, again in one of the locker rooms (the one closest to the sauna). I had just walked downstairs to grab something from my locker, when this guy approached me to tell me I had a very attractive vagina. He then asked me if he could take me upstairs and lick it for five or six minutes. I told him thanks, but it was almost closing time, and I was exhausted, and not interested. He barely acknowledged that I had said no—he just asked me again. I told him no, more forcefully this time, and then, for the third time, he asked, except this time, he was almost begging (“come on, please, just for a few minutes”). I told him in no uncertain terms that I meant it when I said no the first time, and he should have respected that, and then I walked away. I also told the staff, and they’re going to have words with him if he comes back.

Melbourne Swingers do a great job of protecting their patrons. In my experience, at both Shed 16 and Wet On Wellington, they’ve always been fantastic about reinforcing how important consent is, and kicking out anybody who displays predatory behaviour. But some of these guys (and I say guys, because it seems to be almost exclusively men) are good at concealing who they really are until they can get a woman or women alone in a vulnerable position.

People like this are the reason that swingers get a bad rap. They make people think that we’re all perverts who can’t respect boundaries. If you’re at an event and see somebody you like, it’s okay to approach them. But read the room, and know that consent is important. Consider this: did they consent to seeing you masturbate? Did they say that you can touch them? If the answer is no, respect it, and move along. And if somebody says they’re not interested, don’t try to coerce or guilt them into changing their mind. No means no, enthusiastic consent is vital, and just because you’re in a highly sexualised environment, doesn’t mean you can treat people like fuck toys instead of human beings. Sex is something you do with others, not something you do to others.