I have always had parts or people living in my head as I called them (no not did) but the “leader” was a person I called “the girl in the white dress” I never knew who she was but she was this lovely amazing girl she would dance around and open the filing cabinets of my brain and retrieve the moments memories and anything I needed she was like the main person as the new parts and people came to be she was ALWAYS there! She was like my best friend she never had a name or anything as my other parts did and do. I work in EMDR therapy and do IFS work all the time and I have never mentioned this part and she has never “joined in” i sometimes think of her as my “oldest wises self” but that’s as close as she gets. But I found her on Christmas Eve. I was sitting in my bed room. I’m staying with my parents after a horrible break up (we are working it out) but I was looking around my room. I didn’t design it but added a lot of the stuff from my house to it. There were manga books, silly photos, a rubber ducky, stuffed animals, cute journals, my clothes hung up after my mom picked them out for me, my dirty clothes just in a pile on the floor, piles of young adult novels on my dresser, cosplay parts all over the floor…it was the room of a tween kid. I started to cry. I never grew up past “it”. It being the death of my grandmother. I know that doesn’t sound like the worst trauma in the world and i know I have even been through “way worse” but that was the day i felt abandonment from both my best friend and from most of my family. My dad went into “hiding” my mom could console him my brother barely spoke and wrote dark poetry my cousins lived far away I was alone. I was 12 years old just about to turn 13. I was alone in the years I was just growing up. Even when I felt I had someone it wasn’t real I lived in a shadow because my best friend was gone she died, I died. The girl in the white dress…is me. The 12 year old girl. The white dress…an alter server gown worn by catholic alter servers which I was one as a child and my grandmother was very Catholic and had a Catholic mass for her funeral. I know all parts are “us” but this girl is truly me. This 12 years old girl has been controlling me this entire time, she has been trying to get through life as best she can never really growing up, wearing a mask. I’m 28 years old now, I have a masters degree in social work, I work in substance use, I used to own a home, I had a cat I took care of, I have a car and mange money…but I can’t leave home without crying that when I get home I’ll be all alone again…I’m just a 12 years old in a 28 year old body and I’m scared…so scared…I am the girl in the white dress.