Background: >! CSA age 3, CEN starting age 7, CPA starting ~8 or 9. Only the CSA time is certain. Toxic work environment age 21 to 34.!<

I am finding that blends (partial hijacking) can take two forms:

In one form they come suddenly. I'm usually aware of them because of either an emotional or somatic pattern. E.g. One I call Chatterbox presents with light teeth chattering,and mild apprehension/anxiety and wariness. It overlays Me. I have no problem being dual aware with this type, and I can go into "compassion and curious" Often they only stick around for a 15-30 minutes and fade away. They don't talk back. I think I have a protector protecting ME from them, so I don't hear their replies.

Sometimes they will come back several times in a day. So far no pattern to triggering. Some I enjoy their visits. Ghost is one. He's a teenage version of me that was present a lot of the time in school. He never speaks, he watches. He's wary. He knows all the escape routes. He can go to a party or meeting and after no one can quite remember if he/I was there or not. This is the closest I come to having a super power. (I have another super power: Cooking myself eggs for breakfast makes the phone ring) But I am content to have Ghost visit. We watch birds on the feeder. We walk in my woods.

I don't have any parts I dislike, or want to get rid of. I really have internalized "no bad parts." I want them to stick around. But I want to talk to them, and I want them to talk to me. I really believe that the Dart Consortium could do powerful things together.

In the second form the onset is both more subtle and more cognitive. When I'm in a particular "worldview" I have entirely different goals, and values, and the values feel natural. I can remember the other worldviews but they seem... quaint? ... irrelevant? I haven't been able really get into a state of dual awareness, because whichever one I am, it feels like Me. Except: I am aware that some of my goals and desires break trust, break integrity. Some

This seems to describe alters, but with fully shared memory. That is, what is blocked for one worldview is blocked for all.

Example: In one worldview, I am fond of my wife. She's my best friend. She makes me laugh. I don't lie to her. We do lots of little things for each other. Very much reciprocal relationship. Except, she loves me a lot, and I don't love her. (I don't love anyone)

In another worldview I am sick and tired of a dead bedroom. I want to hook up with some skinny twink and screw him until his ears fall off. I don't care much about my vows. I don't care about hurt feelings and betrayed trust. I don't care about health risks.

In another worldview I deserve punishment. I want someone to beat me black and blue, and rape me.

In another worldview, I want to self harm, but not for the pain. I want to get a whole body tattoo of 1/16 to 1/4 inch crooked lines that make me look like a statue that has been shattered, and glued back together, but not too well. A shout to the world. SEE ME! I'M BROKEN.

In another worldview, I'm quite willing to accede to my wife's request to move to the coast. Stop farming. Go, knowing fully well that I will hate it there, the rain, the cloudiness, the invisible sky, the nice, but Ticky Tacky people. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUwUp-D_VV0) Get her settled in. Go to the woods with my rifle, find a secluded spot where I won't be discovered, and blow my brains out.

They aren't all grim. There are blends, where I feel calm, confident. I meet people's gazes. These times give me hope.

Are these alters?