Hi all,

Something happened again, and it makes me quite sad, and I start to see a pattern, and I was wondering: is it me? or is it a common experience and is there some community knowledge I could tap into?

I'm mid thirties, queer and in my twenties I mostly was in monogamous relationships, and in between I would have lots of FWBs, which was fun and dramatic, and I hadn't fixed my attachment issues etc.
Coming into my thirties I realised that monogamous relationships make me very anxious and that poly solo is a sweetspot for me. I have my freedom and my alonetime, I don't get codependant and my abandoned issues don't play up (as much, plus I know the triggers and I can handle them, thanks to therapy).

The thing is, I still crave for long term relationships and strong connections with my lovers, but I don't seem to find the right people or I don't know how to set my bounderies well?

So this is more or less the pattern:
- I meet someone cool and we hit it off. Often it starts as FWB, but we become good friends (or we were good friends and became FWB), we spend more time together, and get closer and closer.
- I never feel like defining the relationship because labelling it feels like it becomes this escalator thing with a lot of unspoken expectations (big triggers for me, I'm the one suddenly wanting to take my partner to my parents and want them to bring them to work events where every one else brings their partners, etc. It fucks with my head - I don't want to be that person, but I'm also proud of the persons I'm together with, I want my family and my collegues to know them you know. I don't always want to be "single" friend at the weddings).
- We are partners for months, sometimes even a year, spend atleast one evening a week together, they meet my friends, they get into my queer network (which is something a lot of people want to get into, sometimes it's hard to know if they are really into me, or just into my friends and my network, sometimes it's both).
- They meet someone else, and that person becomes their primary, and then leave me. It's never a formal break-up, it's always something like "I have a new partner, so we can't hook up anymore/spend time at your place together doing couply stuff but we can still be great friends." At the same time, they were completely fine with me having multiple lovers, and sometimes they would have multiple partners as well, but then someone "serious" pops up, and all their polyamorous principles fail and they become monogamous.
- It leaves me being broken hearted, and it also triggers the abandonement issues really bad, so badly that I'm considering not dating at all anymore because all my lovers leave me in the end (well not all, sometimes I leave lovers as well because of normal relationships dynamics). But I'm really really tired of the cycle. - My friends already called me the "prepper", I'm preparing people for their serious relationships.

I think of myself as a good communicator, and I voice how I feel, i'm always curious and very fine with partners having other relationships (I do like to meet the metas, just to have an idea, and I think it's cosy). Should I talk about this more openly from the beginning? (as in: straight up ask them what they would do if they meet someone they're really in love with and that person doesn't want them to have another lover?) I feel like most would answer that they wouldn't.

I once expressed my concern about people dating me being interested in my network, and she told me i was being paranoid. She ended up leaving me, hooking up with one of my best friends right after and staying in my network. (shit move honestly, I would have been fine if she would have been honest when I specifically asked her about it, because I could feel their vibe. They didn't tell me for weeks, everyone knew except for me, and they only told me when my friends threatened to tell me).

Also, I live in quite a small town. Finding people who are open for poly relationships and being queer, and like not being the ex of the ex of the ex (because don't shit where you eat, I'm kind of careful of that), it's difficult. So if I connect with someone, I'm happy about it and we're having a great time together. I know technically it would be best to search for people who are solopoly too, and have a long state of dating solopoly. But I know like four people like that, and they're my friends...

Anyway, thanks for your ideas, opinions, etc.!