Husband likes to have spontaneous encounters, not exactly where he is on the ENM spectrum… I’m Polyamorous and have a BF.

Husband does not need my consent to go cruising. But I expect him to communicate at the moment he knows he’s going to hookup with someone. (Few reasons… safety, attunement, basic communication of one’s intentions)

Struggling with his spontaneous behavior. Not interested in controlling him. I want to practice safer sex practices and good hygiene - including informed consent.

He’s not been meeting my expectation in being transparent and communicative. I find out way after the fact. And I have to ask for enough information to understand what even transpired.

So, for example, I’ll come home and give him a kiss on the lips. And then moments later he decides to share that he was “with someone” an hour earlier. I have to ask questions to find out what happened. Come to find there’s kissing and unprotected oral sex.

This keeps happening. He’ll go out cruising and I’ll find out about it after. And I no longer feel safe having unprotected sex or even kissing him at this point. Because I want to protect my BF and my own health from what I view as somewhat destructive behavior.

I feel wrong for maintaining a physical boundary because I’m missing out on a physical connection I otherwise enjoy. But for my safety, my gut says to limit sexual contact until there’s some trust restored.

Am I overthinking here? Am I missing something?? TIA!