Hi everyone! Sorry, English is not my native language.

I (33F) am in a happy relationship with a cis guy (32M), let's call him Jim. It's been 2 years and he's been with his other partner (31F) for 3 years.

We met through friends. Back then, and for a year after that, this group of friends would often party together, and those parties always included some type of orgy or group sex. The orgies kinda stopped after a year or so, although everyone is still very sex positive and we go to sex positive parties together. We just don't really have sex within the group anymore.

When I met Jim, I had just broken up with my ex, "A". A was very abusive towards me. He organized orgies and parties often. Once the party started, he would ignore me and focus on finding new partners. If he was speaking with a woman, I was forbidden to come and talk to him because it could prevent him from having sex with her. He refused to even look in my direction when he was about to start having sex with someone else, because it might hinder his ability to stay erect. If I had any kind of physical proximity with a guy, A would be cold towards me or give me the silent treatment, for up to 24 hours. Him and his friends would sometimes put women down for "not having enough sex at the orgy" and "maybe we shouldn't invite her again". He ended up cheating on me (he asked for a hierarchical relationship, with him as primary, and months later met a younger woman at an orgy, fell in love, hid this relationship and then pretended that hierarchy was never an option). Anyways I mustered the strength to break up with him - instant relief, but long lasting trauma 💩.

Now this is my current situation: my relationship with Jim is going well, and he would like for us to get into group sex again. I would like to do that as well, but I am very traumatized by my relationship with A. When we are in a group sex situation where Jim might have sex with someone else, I have panicky thoughts, fear, and my body feels weird. These situations used to happen in the beginning of our relationship; usually, just sharing my feelings with him, and him asking if he can help / what he should do would be enough for me to feel safe. But now I don't want to feel just "OK", I want to do group sex and enjoy it like I used to before A.

Here is my question: could you please share with me the thought processes/feelings that make group sex with your partners a HAPPY moment? I know I used to feel that way, but the PTSD and the panic made me lose touch with these feelings.

TL;DR: I am traumatized by my ex's dismissive behavior towards me, in the context of group sex. I want to do group sex again with my new BF so I am looking for ways to reconnect with its joyful parts, hopefully to be able to enjoy it again.