Hi all, looking for support / relevant experiences. Also journalling to myself to remember an important conversation. TL;dr at bottom.

I (28 nb) have been practising polya for 7-8 years now and have a partner (27 f/nb Aspen) who has been on their own enm journey for 3-4 years. We have been dating for 2.5 years and met through a group of mutual friends 4 years ago. We have plans to move in together and Aspen is very much my “till the end of the road” partner that i am comfortable entangling my life fully with. We both found Polya works for us for our own reasons and consider eachother to be lifelong partners.

Not sure what the benchmark is for Experienced but we both do our reading/listening and are continously growing our communication skills.

Just recently my comet crush/squish (28f Birch) of 7 years moved back into the area after living abroad for 3 years. During this time Birch has dated other people, sometimes monogamously, and we have been able to see eachother on average twice a year. I am very glad to be seeing them again as often as 2-3 times a month now. Birch has a serious partner(Cedar) back in the country they lived in who they are still in a relationship with. I have met Cedar and He’s lovely and makes Birch laugh, i believe they are likely going to move to live together again and are discussing marriage in their future.

Birch and I have had conversation about their relationship with Cedar and it has been somewhat challenging for me to get an understanding of their non/monogamous agreements because I do not want to pry too deeply. We have kissed once years ago, but that was all. I have expressed to Birch that I still have a crush on her and would be overjoyed if something happened between us. I am not sure that i know how Birch feels about me, at times she has said she “likes me” but without any action of intimacy I am not sure that we feel the sameway. From what I can understand there was a possibility for Birch and I to re-explore a romantic/intimate relationship together but I feel like it passed. Since Birch has returned they have not explicitly expressed interest in being romantic or intmate with me. There have been many times where i have felt like I have been the only one feeling or expressing romantic/intimate attraction with Birch and in some way i feel like i have lost hope for anything to develop. Regardless of all this I would be genuinely happy remain friends/deepen our friendship. I have been transparent about all of this with Aspen.

Here’s where it goes sideways;

Aspen and Birch share a primary friend group and Aspen has told me the relationship I may/may not start with Birch brings up complicated feelings for them and they see that it could become a messy situation. Aspen and Birch are friends with eachother and have not had any reason to mistrust eachother. Aspen did not make a request of me to make a decision or provide a solution to this but I did.

I offered that if having a relationship with Birch would potentially impede upon Aspen’s ability to fully engage with their mutual friend group for support or cause a rift there then it would likely become a problem for Birch for the same reasons. With that in mind I would be putting two people I care about deeply at risk of having their friend group implode if something happened. Putting myself in their shoes I understand the feeling.

So I told Aspen that I would not pursue a relationship with Birch further.

It was not a decision made under duress or taken lightly. I feel like I am mourning a relationship I never truly had, or one that ended a decade ago and that I am just finding out about now. I am saddened deeply but also feel ridicuolous given that there was hardly any reciprocity and that I get to still spend time with birch as friends.

Aspen and I followed this up by reaffirming that we both want to continue or relationship with polya/enm as an option and that there may be romantic relationships with people who would not share friend groups with but who may grow to become metas as friends. Aspen is much more comfortable with a paralell style than KTP and KTP is not something i need.

There is currently no one that Aspen or myself know that either of us know that we hope to date. Aspen and I have plans to move in together in the spring and i have explained to them that I am worried that “closing” our relationship at that point would be soul crushing for me as I have experienced that scenario before. aspen expressed that a conversation about becoming monogamous is something they hope will not happen and do not foresee. Also they would hope that a couples therapist could be helpful before getting to that point to avoid that change. We have both agreed that will be important to adress couples’ privelege as being a factor in other potential future relationships.

During our time dating Aspen and I have not had other partners outside of me crushing on Birch, and another partner of mine very early on in our realtionship who I am no longer connected to. It was easier for Aspen to manage when Birch was only around a couple times a year.

I am wondering now if I am even interested in meeting/dating new people as I struggle a lot now with being comfortable with the friendly/romantic touch of someone I have known for many years let alone someone I potentially meet in the next few months/years. Notwithstanding a new conncetion’s own likely apprehension with dating someone with a cohabiting/financially enmeshed partner.

Birch and i have plans tomorrow to meet and hangout, I am unsure how they will react to me explaining the decision I have made. If they tell me that they were hoping to pursue something with me I may spontaneously combust out of sheer heartbreak.

TL;dr

I am giving up on pursuing a relationship with a long term comet partner primarily because they share a friend group with my primary partner and it could get messy. And secondarily because It has felt one sided for a long time.

I don’t know if i will come to regret this choice, but it is painful right now.

Mourning the end of a romatice/intimate relationship while being grateful to be sharing more time as friends.

Wondering if agreement with primary to date people outside our friendgroups will be successful In managing feelings of risk.

Not sure if I’m as willing or able to connect with new people as i once was.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, sending you my best wishes.