I’m struggling lately with the idea that maybe love doesn’t exist and it’s just paranoid obsession or control. That my jealousy and and self-esteem issues are just control in disguise and I can’t trust my feelings. I feel spiral-y and helpless to these emotions. I “feel my feelings” but they feel completely overwhelming and I don’t want to pull the rug out from under my partner before he gets a chance to do anything with someone else, because I have gotten to hook up twice. I’m just tired of it all. Our relationship is so distant (both literally and figuratively, he’s pretty emotionally removed and is working on the other side of the country for 3 months and we barely get to talk). I feel alone as it is because of his job but but it’s hard to think about not hearing from him because his schedule and stress and think about that attention going elsewhere.

He’s also not romantic or emotional and we don’t even exchange any kind of sexual texts or behavior so I struggle as it is feeling secure and loved and desired.

I’m a mom and I stay home with our kids. I try to keep busy but it’s hard feeling left behind. It’s hard feeling used up and boring and old in his eyes. Not that he says that but he talks about how exciting it is to explore this taboo. I feel like I’m a secure rock for him, but I don’t feel that I have the same feelings in him. When I worked out of the house over the summer, I felt purposeful and it was really empowering and sexy to have that independence. Which is how I suppose he feels and why this comes easy to him, and why he doesn’t understand why I feel this way. Plus it’s all just so drawn out, him talking to other women, planning something for when he’s in a particular town working.

But I honestly don’t even feel like I can talk to him anymore about it. He gets annoyed saying “why does this have to be so complicated, why can’t it just be simple”. It makes me feel so immature, even though I approach this whole thing very thoroughly and give a lot of transparency, and I’m very sex-positive and self-aware.

It brings up old feelings of when he used to talk to his ex girlfriends and lie about it, or pay for porn without me knowing (we have 1 income and it’s very tightly budgeted, I don’t even get my nails done). I get thrown back into that incredibly traumatic time and it makes me want to just trash this whole thing. When I think of sleeping with other people, it’s with a mindset of “well fine then, I choose to not give a fuck” and it makes me want to emotionally separate myself from him, but then it takes away all sacredness of connection and purpose in marriage and just feel like roommates who have kids together.

How do you manage these feelings and talk yourself down and get back to a secure place? Am I being crazy or immature because that’s my worst fear. 😔

Edit: also to add, because of this, I find myself getting frustrated and agitated with even scrolling through dating apps because I just want to feel wanted by my person. I love him so much and it’s kind of heartbreaking to me to feel like I have to search out other things.