Hello all,

I will write this post to the best of my ability, but I am a write by no means... I will try to hit all of the points, but I apologize if the wording is poor.

I (29 m) have been in a relationship with my partner (24 f) for a little over three and a half years. We have been open / poly for about three of those years. A little insight to the relationship on my end - I have no current relationships (sexual / romantic) outside of my partner. Also, I am an alcoholic / addict, and for the past two years I was not working an active program, and fell back into 'self' and stopped doing the next right thing for either myself or the relationship. I currently have 35 days sober, but for the 9 months before this I was actively drinking, and I am kind of an asshole when I drink. For the last 6 weeks of those 9 months, I was using meth. My partner discovered this, and it was a HUGE deal (for obvious reasons). I got honest about my use, and quickly joined back into the AA community and have been doing what I need to for myself the last 35 days (community, meditation, sponsor, etc...).

A little bit about my partner (24 f) - She is absolutely incredible, and I love her very much. She is very social, and has a ton of friendly (some sexual) relationships outside of our dynamic. For work she was a full time dancer, but recently got tired of the full time aspect of it so has made a switch to online / in person sex work (in person dates, facetime, only fans, etc...). I am 100% okay with this. However, the relationship I am referring to has developed out of this. She recently started to see this man less than a month ago (39 m). This was initially supposed for work purposes, and to be a daily text, and a once a week meet for a set amount of money per month. The in person dinner dates turned into Airbnb dates, and during the first Airbnb date, this man asked her to be his partner. She says she panicked, and said yes, and now they are dating. Now onto my issue at hand...

A few days ago, I noticed something was off with my partner. I asked her if she was okay, and she stated that she wasn't ready to have this conversation, but was going to have it anyways since I asked. She said that she was not okay, and that she has come to realize that a lot of my actions over the period of our relationship have not been okay with her, and she is just now starting to realize that. She said that she needed space, but that she still loved me and asked me to ask as if nothing happened and just to continue to act as a loving partner. This has caused absolute panic in my mind. As a person, when I hear 'I need space', to me it means the relationship is over. I stated this to her, and she said that was not the case and that she only meant that if she needed to step away from a conversation or for the evening, that is the space she was referring to. Okay fine, I can understand that and will do my best to believe what she is saying.

Onto the now... this new relationship she is developing intensely and quickly. She is talking to him every hour of every day, and they are spending more and more time together. She is seeing him over night once a week, and they have planned a 'get away' trip for this weekend. Last night, I made the mistake over reading a text over her shoulder, and that caused absolute mayhem in my head. The texts were incredibly long and heartfelt between the two of them, and it's causing me to feel like I am on the outside of my once main partnership. I used to not feel this way when she was involved in any other relationships, but now that it has come to light that I was being a poor partner and have recently relapsed, I feel like it's coming to a head and that the end is near. I keep trying to tell myself that it is not the case, and she tries to reassure me too, but I cannot get it out of my head that I'm fucked. I have no idea what to do, and I have no one in my real life to talk to about this because of the 'bizarre' (to them) circumstances of the relationship. Please fucking help me, I don't want to feel this way anymore.

ETA: I am awful about bringing up my feelings, so I have yet to fully bring this to her attention. I have only mentioned the "need space feels like breaking up / no we're good" but nothing else about the jealousy and fear I am feeling. I feel like I can't bring this up because I can't ask her to stop / change her relationships because it's my fault I'm feeling this way.