I had an unpleasant experience with someone who was ENM a few months ago and wanted to reach out to an ENM community to get some feedback and insights.
Fair warning, it is a long read.

The first thing I'll mention is that although I do have friends who are ENM and I know a few things about it, this was my first experience with it myself.

I met this person through online dating, there was great chemistry and we slept together on the first date. This person was very upfront with being ENM, and knowing a few things about it I was curious to learn more. They went onto explain they had a nesting partner and a kitchen table type arrangement where both of them were actively dating and seeking out other potential partners. Things were discussed like all partners being on a first name basis/possibly hanging out, regularly sharing test results in a group chat, strict protection used for anyone not in the polycule ect. Also discussed that they both regularly disclose with each other when they were going on dates and if they slept with the person, partner potential ect. I saw the appeal in this because in any monog relationship I've had I have never just had eyes for one person. I'd never cheat under any circumstances but it'd be nice to have the freedom to pursue other connections.

Anyways, leading up to the first date and afterwards we would text on a daily basis and it was clear we had good chemistry and a lot in common. But this person had a tendency to try to cram as much possible into every single day so making plans was tough, and even when plans were made they would often fall through for one reason or another at the last minute. So although we talked daily for about 2 months we only managed to see each other a total of twice and this was after 4 or 5 times plans fell through on their side.

So I finally see this person a 2nd time, we sleep together again and the chemistry and vibes are still great. A few weeks after this, I am due to travel for a few weeks and we try to get together again before I leave, but the plans fall through yet again. So we decide to plan something for when I come back and this person makes it clear they want to see me as soon as I'm back. Also before my flight, this person asked me to message them when I landed safely so I teased them about liking me. After I land this person does make it clear that they like me which is flattering and exciting as I like this person back. A few days into my vacation this person asks if I would be comfortable meeting their nesting partner in the future if things continue to go well and I agree. We also discuss that going forward, we'll now be telling each other when/if we go on other dates, if we sleep with our date ect. So things are going well. I ask if any of the other people she has been dating or sleeping with seem like potential partners and they said I was the only one currently.

This all changes when I'm due to come back. Like we discussed before this person planned to see me the day after I got back but we didn't discuss any set time. The date comes and I'm up and good to go around noon so I send this person a message to see what the plan is for the day. This person tells me they partied the night before and made impromptu plans for a brunch the day we decided to see each other. This person also has a messed up friend to console which has pushed back the brunch which of course even further pushes back our plans. So I was admittedly a bit upset that this person made impromptu plans the night before we were supposed to see each other but also admitted that we didn't discuss any set time so I relented. I made it clear I wanted to spend as much time with them as I could that day because our opportunities had already been so limited and that I was ready whenever. Then I asked how long they expected the brunch to go for so I could get an idea as to when the ETA would be and they said it shouldn't go long. So a few of hours go by and around the time I would have expected the brunch to end I still haven't heard anything back so I send a message. Another hour goes by and I send another message with no reply and I start to get a bad feeling and become anxious and upset.

I have a bad feeling this person is off banging someone else and after they message me back, I confront them about it and they admit this "brunch" was actually a date with someone they had trouble connecting with in the past and that they had slept with this person. This REALLY upset me for a number of reasons, so I told this person I didn't want them coming over anymore. First off, I was upset that this person wasn't upfront about what the brunch actually was and the possibility of it running late because we discussed that we would be open about that prior. I was also upset because I felt like this person took advantage of having no set time for our plans, and tried to sneak in a quick bang with someone else right before seeing me. I knew the entire time we have been talking that they were sleeping with other people and it didn't really bother me, but to do it right before seeing me? It just feels more.........personal? And lastly, I was mainly upset because while I was on vacation this person said a bunch of things that made me feel important and like I was doing something right to set myself apart from anyone else they were seeing, and it felt like this totally invalidated that. They made a big deal about saying they "liked me" and that they wanted to see me as soon as I was back. Now because ENM is new to me, I understand part of this is jealousy, but this person knew I was new to ENM in general and was not understanding at all.

I ended up saying some things this person ended up condemning me over, and personally I feel like it was an overreaction on their part.

I said that not keeping me in the loop and sneaking in plans to bang someone else the night before we had already planned to see each other was selfish and inconsiderate.

I also asked questions like "If you wanted to bang this person, could have not made plans to do it a different day instead of a day we already planned and you knew I was waiting to see you?" or "why say you like me if it doesn't make any difference?".

Up until this experience, it was pretty universal for me that if someone said they "liked" you that meant they wanted to spend more time with you? This person went onto to say that they didn't do things according to "hierarchy" which made no sense to me. If someone they "like" less than me gets the same considerations and priorities, then what difference does it honestly make? Is it essentially an empty declaration? It's something I still didn't get any kind of clear answer on.

There's some back and forth and this person eventually says they regret saying they liked me as I "turned their own words against them" which I agree with as that statement essentially fucked everything up. During this entire back and forth this person says my responses are "full of red flags" that I was "lashing out" and that I had "shown my true colors". They never once attempt to apologize for their actions hurting me and instead are very defensive, saying my statements attack this person at the core of their lifestyle. I then try to take the high road and compromise: I address that we both acted in ways that hurt the other person and we both see no issues with out actions. Despite that, I apologized for acting the way I did and said that if there was any way this could go forward, we would have to learn how to change our behaviours to accommodate the other person. For example, instead of saying something like "that was inconsiderate" instead saying "the way you acted felt inconsiderate to me".

This compromise is denied and I finally admit that their overall attitude and defensiveness is something I would also prefer not to deal with so we go our separate ways.

In my opinion I feel like I called this person out, they took it personally and that's why they reacted the way they did, but this was also my only experience with ENM so I have a number of questions:

1. If someone who's ENM says they "like" a potential new partner, what in the hell does that actually mean???

2. For someone who's propositioned a new potential partner who is new to ENM in general, does any of this seem normal/appropriate?

3. Is everyone who's ENM impossible to schedule with/prone to cancelling plans last minute multiple times in a row?

4. Did I over react?

I want to be open to ENM again, but the first impressions I've had so far have not been good :(

Thanks to anyone that takes to time to read this and for any feedback!