(Cross posted)

Hi everyone,

(Tagging NSFW for brief mentions of SA, donestic abuse, and gore.)

Would like to start by saying thank you to those who replied with listening, questions, and advice on my previous post. Your support was foundational in my ability to think critically and make decisions. Largely things have been going well in the past year .

During this time both my partner and I have been lucky enough to be working jobs that give us benefits for therapy.

(TL;DR up top: I have recently begun a flirty / romantic / sexual relationship with a friend / former coworker of 2 years outside of my nesting partnership of 3 years with my nesting partner’s support and approval.

My partner has taken me up on a longstanding offer to seek couples counselling together as a means to deepen connection and strengthen communication.

I discussed these developments with my personal therapist yesterday and was challenged on my ability to have a relationship outside of my current one as I have been struggling to connect sexually/intimately.)

I am currently looking for: -listening -comiseration/related experiences -advice on seeking polya/enm informed couples therapists

Thank you, and for those of you who like the full story here it is.

My partner Aspen (27nb/f) and I (29nb) have known eachother for 5 years, in partnership now for 3 years and living together for a year in april. From the very begining we introduced ourselves to eachother as non monogamous people. I have been practising Polya for 10 years now, and my partner for 6-7 years. We have had some other partners during this time (refer to my previous posts) but mostly have been exploring our connection with eachother during this time.

Since moving in together things are going well. However we do have radically different work schedules, me with 8 24 hour shifts every 4 weeks and Aspen working 10hr days 5 days a week sometimes needing to take work home with them as well. All this means we only get 4 days a month where the both of us have the full day off to spend together. We do our best to be intentional and connect during the time we do get to spend together. When they are out of the house during weekdays I do my best to keep busy but most of the world and almost all my friends run on a mon-fri 9-5 so I very often feel lonely. Aspen understands this and is sympathetic to it and I also realize that I leave them home alone 8 nights/days a month which also might not be fun.

   The largest struggle I am facing right now is an intermittent inability to reciprocate sexual desire or intimacy. I am a survivor of childhood and early adulthood sexual assault. I am also a survivor of domestic abuse and sexual assault at the hands of a former partner. I also worked a job recovering and transporting the recently and not-so-recently deceased and sometimes struggle with physical touch when i have been reminded of those experiences. My current career as an emergency first responder sometimes exposes me to these triggers which can be challenging. This is not something that is constantly a block and sometimes I am able to get around it but I still struggle. Most often i am successful with others when my nervous system is calmed by either resting with someone or by going to the gym first. I dont often experience this struggle with touch and arousal when I am by myself.

At an earlier point in my life I was able to be sexual with partners a lot more easily, i still experience attraction and have a deep desire to connect in this way. Aspen and Birch both understand this and are supportive but also do experience sadness and insecurity as a result of my inability to reciprocate sexual desire.

   I have been attending monthly therapy sessions for 3 years now where the practise has been centering on somatic re-experiencing, resourcing the nervous system, and processing these memories. I have had varying degrees of success with this but have largely seen improvement over time. When i started therapy I informed my therapist that there were 3 things I was happy with in my life and did not want to change:

-I do not identify with the gender I was assigned at birth. -I am happily polyamorous and gain a lot of fulfillment in my life through the freedom to develop connections to whatever capacity they may. -I do not want to become a biological or adoptive parent. (Nothing against parents I just know I would not find this fulfilling and children deserve to have parents who are happy to be invested in parenting them).

   Recently I visited with my friend and former coworker Birch (31F) and we both realized that we would often have weekdays off work and be in the same local area and could spend some time together. Very exciting for both of us! Currently Birch has a partner (22nb) and birch has known me to be polya and asked for resources related to ENM. I was reluctant to be her sole/ primary guide in a venture into ENM but happy to provide a couple books (Many Love - S.L. Johnson, and Neurodiversity and non-monogamy) and some podcast suggestions so that she could find her own answers. I expressed to Birch that there could be a potential relationship between her and I but that I was not expecting it and in any case would operate on a “Friends First” policy, with a strong emphasis on not blowing up our other relationships to pursue this. I informed her that I am primarily seeking deeper friendship, romance, and that there could be a chance of sex if that was desired by both people.

   Since then Birch returned to me and expressed an interest in pursuing a relationship with me and that she had discussed with her partner and had received the green light. I was excited to hear this and had already discussed it with Aspen and was happy to say the same thing. Since then we have had a couple dates and things feel good, I am doing my best to enjoy the NRE without getting too caught up in it. There has been support offered and received from both sides, meaningful time spent together, and affectionate actions. I am feeling more comfortability / sexual interest in this relationship with Birch and as well as outside of it with Aspen and with myself than I have in a long time.

   I presented that I was developing a new relationship with Birch to my therapist with the hope that I would be met with some optimism and advice on how to find a Polya/ENM friendly couples therapist for Aspen and I. 

My therapist proceeded to challenge me on several things and I did not really have an opprtunity to respond. The points my therapist made are as follows: - How can I reasonably start this new relationship with Birch when I am still experiencing extreme difficulty connecting sexually? - I am likely going to encounter the same issues with Birch. - I often pause and choose my words carefully and edit myself in real time, I should feel like I can speak freely in sessions and in life. - If these issues around intimacy persist maybe I should seek medical assistance or intervention (ex: viagara, pelvic floor physio, etc.) - My therapist also stated that she understands that people engage in non-monogamy but doesnt understand the appeal beyond sexual freedom.

I understand that a good therapist is someone who will challenge you to grow and “call you on your own bs” but this was not the reaction I had hoped for.

   My current relationship with Aspen is not in shambles and is mostly healthy. Despite my troubles with intimacy I am still sometimes capable of sex with partners. I care about the words I say and think before I speak to find the statement which I feel is most true to me.  My struggles with intimacy do not come from a physical inability to experience arousal or achieve erection. 

   Most of all I had hoped that even though my therapist self admittedly might not have much knowledge or experience working with polya/ENM clients that they would be understanding of a perspective of it being a relationship format that is not always and entirely based on exclusively sexual relationships.

I feel that I will need to talk with my therapist regarding this appointment and come to a mutual understanding before I can feel like we can continue with our normal somatic work. That being said there is a very real chance that I may soon be seeking a new therapist.

Luckily I live in a place where there seems to be some available resources in terms of polya/ENM therapists though I am unsure on how to decide on one.

If anyone has any words of sympathy, relevant experience, or advice I would love to hear it.

Please be kind, this is my life and lived experience and I spend all my time trying to live it in the best way I can.

Thank you,

Blue