I'm new to ENM with my bf of 5 years. We talked about it for about 1,5 years, read books on it, educated ourselves a lot and discussed things. The funny thing is it was my idea initially to even bring this whole topic up, I suppose mainly because we aren't fully sexually compatible and since our relationship is very secure and wonderful in other aspects we are intending to be together for a long time, so I thought it could be good to explore sexuality with other people not to miss out on it. When I brought it up it funnily turned out he'd been thinking about it for a long time himself and even tried ENM with his previous couple and generally started sharing with me how he's been fantasizing about other women etc.

Even though I brought it up I'm the one who always believed in monogamous-one-forever super romantic love (my best friend said she couldn't believe I decided to be ENM since I'm the most romantic/idealistic person she knows) and also I had a lot of insecurities about myself, about being abandoned (severe childhood traumas) etc. So I suppose I liked the idea from a theoretical point of view, but when it came to putting it into practice I was scared shitless. I'm a very open minded person and I purely like the idea of being ENM somehow I perceive it as closer to real human nature. Plus like I said I just can't come to terms with the idea of never having sex with anybody else, it's a strange concept.

Fast forward to January this year when we decided to finally open. I had sex with one guy which was ridiculous for me, because there was no deeper connection, it was only physical and I literally felt like I made myself do it to prove to myself that I'm able to. It was so boring and senseless that I literally asked the guy in the middle if I could make him orgasm and just go home, because I wasn't into it.

My partner on the other hand approached the subject from a different angle, he went on a few dates but nothing happened, they just talked and flirted and had a good time and he seems really happy about it and feeling alive. At the same time I knowing about those dates and staying at home felt SO BAD, I mean I was devastated with fear and loneliness and jealousy. Crying and almost on the verge of self-harm (I've got history but haven't done it for years). I tried to spend that time scrolling Feeld and talking to some ppl there, but I literally am not really interested. Weirdly I'm not attracted to anybody and again I feel like I'm making myself do it. When I'm out at the concert or sth I actually feel really attracted to many ppl!! but I never start talking to anyone and nobody ever approaches me, because maybe I'm not that attractive, I don't know (I'm usually out with friends though). Another thing is that I'm bisexual but haven't had any experiences with women for 10 years now and I also would love to.

Ok to sum up and link my story to the title - I read in many books that it's normal to feel jealous and it's always a challenge for the majority of people when your partner is dating others, and that we have monogamy so culturally ingrained in us that it's what makes it difficult. But I do wonder - can you choose to be ENM for philosophical reasons and make yourself suffer and go through it and it eventually does get better? Or am I really not made for this? I thought maybe I'm more polyamorous than ENM because it seems I would need a connection and even feelings/ love to want to have sex with someone. Whenever I talk to some ppl on apps it always bores and saddens me that it doesn't feel so intense and exciting as when me and my bf first dated for example...

Sorry for the long post, trying to wrap my head around this and about to have a long conversation with my bf to maybe pull the brakes to give me time to figure it out.