Threwback account because... If this gets lots of hate, so be it. I am on my knees at this point...

We started the ENM relationship about 1 year ago. We were teasing the idea for maaaany years, especilly hotwifing (even cuckholding) with my husband and even had an ad-hoc experience before we got married (so almost 10 years ago).

The past year has been intense. I love the freedom of ENM, at this point I feel like I couldn't go back to monogamy.

However, I feel used. For the past year, things only happen when HE wanted, with whom HE wanted. It never, ever matter if I wanted someone, or someday...it ALWAYS had to be on HIS terms.

I am sick of it.

I have a big crush on someone. In the perfect world inside my mide, I wanted to be FwB with that person and continue my marriage as it was (or as a good, positive marriage). My husband would just not give me the permission. I don't know if he geniuely doesn't want to, is scared or just wants to test his power over this...

None the less, I can't take it anymore. I was very upset today and did a huge mistake because of that, that might have costed the future of our child.

I am devastated, I don't know what to do. I am depressed and I want to die...

I feel like I either leave him, or point blank cheat on him.

I don't even know why I am writing this...but here it easy...