Have had a couple of bad experiences where we wanted to do things right but ultimately failed to check in with everybody or communicate and someone ended up hurt.

We’re really trying to cover everything with the communication aspect and figure out where we are and what our boundaries are. Our first time was with a more experienced couple who are poly, and our second time was with an inexperienced couple.

The poly couple crossed some of my boundaries, which in retrospect I’m not sure if I completely forgave him, the guy is our friend and the girl is someone we don’t really know. He has feelings for my wife, he went and did stuff with my wife in another room without asking because my wife felt uncomfortable watching me (it was our first time), and that really wasn’t something I had wanted to do. I turned around and they were gone and I felt uncomfortable the whole rest of the sexual encounter. They started texting each other afterwards a little more flirtatiously and I told my wife no and set up a lot more boundaries. He never checked in with me at any point and I had to reach out to him and tell him to stop. I have hung out with him a couple more times but he flirts with my wife and doesn’t seem to like checking in with me which is not really my cup of tea. My wife is a saint and able to at least draw back and let him know when he’s overstepping.

I wouldn’t be opposed to her being romantic with a guy, cause ultimately that is what we’re looking for, a couple to be emotionally connected with. Just maybe not him, I feel like there are more respectful ways to do it, and him (and the rest of his poly group) being so experienced and nonchalant about things that are a huge deal to me is kind of a dealbreaker and turnoff.

The 2nd more inexperienced couple was very sweet and I was very attracted to the woman, but ultimately they decided they weren’t looking for any type of emotional connection. I kind of overplayed my hand and spilled my guts to her, which I think didn’t work for anyone. My wife ended up doing things with the girl by herself without checking in with me… which was a boundary for me that she didn’t respect… my wife and the girl apologized though, and I was able to cope with that because I really liked this girl and thought maybe we could still hit it off. We met up at a lifestyle club and the girl shut it down because she wasn’t feeling it after we started having sex next to each other and touching/kissing. The night ended fine but I was kinda hurt by that whole ordeal too. But they are a very sweet couple and I feel like I shouldn’t be hurt this bad or this emotional about it.

It’s really only been 2 sexual experiences which both had positives, we had sex with another couple, and sex with each other next to another couple at a LS club, and the sex was good. I just want the aftermath and context around the sex to feel more comfortable/better and not like I’m causing myself or other people trauma.

So my question to anyone willing to read all that crap….. how many times before you got it right and is this abnormal?