Hi all! I’m a bit ashamed of posting this, but I want to see how others have navigated some of these waters…

My husband and I (gay) are non-monogamous but more in a cuckhold sense — he just wants me to send videos or pictures. That has been our general rule since opening things up a few months back. He actually encourages me to find people to sleep with.

Some background — my biggest turn-on is kissing, and my husband is indifferent about it. Subsequently we don’t kiss when not having sex and he hasn’t ever placed value on it. When trying to propose kissing (outside the context of having sex) he has said things such as “we’re not in middle school, people don’t just make out.” Let me make it clear I harbor no resentment because of this. In all my reading, data shows that people can’t force themselves to be into something they’re not, and interest in certain things sexually is mostly stagnant.

With the cuckholding, there really aren’t any limits to what I am allowed to do or not because he can see it all. I mentioned it’s important to me that he not dictate who I can and cannot sleep with just because he’s not attracted to that person. We are not always into the same types of men and in threesomes that has always been a slight source of tension, rarely agreeing upon the same person. He stated that this is completely fine, and I can sleep with them and he just wouldn’t want any pictures or video in those situations.

Last night, I went to a friend’s house whom I have mentioned I had NO plans to be sexual with to my husband. As I left my friend’s house at the end of the evening, I kissed him and we made out for a couple minutes — not my finest moment as it wasn’t something the husband and I have ever discussed. However, with the mentality of more open boundaries than kissing coupled with his minimization of standalone making out as immature, I saw this as inconsequential.

Upon returning home, I immediately told him of this as I want to be communicative, as that’s crucial in ENM relationships. He (as a huge surprise to me) feels betrayed, hurt, and angry. I assured him that I understood this was a mistake, I’m truly sorry and didn’t realize it would hurt him. I also explained how his indifference toward kissing and past statements have led me to think something like this is insignificant.

He has maintained that I promised him nothing sexual would come of hanging with my friend and I went against my word. He feels betrayed because he knows whereas he might not find kissing important, I do. He sees this kiss as a more romantic gesture than were I to have sex and send him videos or pictures.

Where I Need Input/Advice… 1) Am I a huge asshole for this and how intense of a betrayal is this from a third party perspective? 2) When communicating what you are or are not comfortable with to your partner, how do you so clearly define those boundaries when it’s impossible to predict every single scenario that could potentially come up? 3) Would anyone be willing to share the boundaries within their own relationship and if they’ve changed or evolved over time?

Maybe I can learn from others their perspectives within their own relationships because there has been things we have read that really have helped us find new boundaries on our own or ways of communicating. A kiss may sound silly to all of you, but if it’s made such an impact on him, I want to reassure him the best way I can to move us past this.

Thoughts?