When the person who left you chose to be with two people who were harmful. Got grifted by both but chooses to stay with someone he once said he once said he needed escape from? He asked me to spend time with her so he could have a break as they were living together temporarily and she kept overstaying her welcome while blaming him for not having boundaries. But he could always say no to me so I never thought of him as someone who was unclear. It's a different type of heartbreak, rejection, and longing. I dont even want them to be with me, just with someone who respects them. We are trying to be friends but all the joy and love feels like pain now. Because I asked for help and he refused but helped them. And it was critical. I was looking at homeless shelters before I asked for the help I needed. And I was so unwell during this relationship. I depended on him too much and he burned out at a critical moment. I wasn't perfect, far from it but I was always concerned about his wellbeing. He complained about her way too much. And I lived with her. She is controlling and sometimes mean. She can be sweet and kind. There is some nuance. But ultimately, she could treat him better. Apparently, this bad treatment only happened when I was around.

I dont know how to tell him that friendship feels like signing up to listen to him complain about having a partner who is mean to him, the same person he kept close after telling me that he didn't even want to be one of my best friends after the relationship ended. Our relationship was so terrible, he didn't want closeness but he did want friendship. We never discussed what kind.

I feel like telling the truth about how I feel will end what we have left, which isn't much. Just a bunch of inauthentic performances of a friendship between literal strangers at this point. I miss him but I dont know why and I avoided dating for a really long time. But now that I've started again...how do I admit that I hated my metamour the first time she put him down because I said something kind to him in front of her? How do I express anger and rage at feeling discarded after I crossed her? I thought this polycule would be safe for me, but he didn't warn me about her rage. And I started to see him pick partners who were filled with red flags. I feel like I can't open myself up and let go until we have an honest conversation about how objectified my metamour made me feel, how manipulated I felt after confiding in her, and how he didn't protect me. I had to bubble with them during the pandemic and I felt so trapped because I became so disabled. I've been avoiding this conversation because it took me 2 years to build myself up long enough to get out of a not ideal situation. My life fell apart and I lost everything I built due to trusting and waiting for this polycule to figure their shit out because all of our lives were deeply intertwined. But they didn't see how their lack of accountability and dysfunction impacted me. And when it was too late, they both bailed.