This was meant to post this with a throw-away account, but I will just delete it later.

So, I got a new job in November. During the training, I instantly fell for the girl covering my break. Let's call her J. J said, "Go for a break."

Anyway, it gets busy, and the roster moves around for maybe 1 or 2 months. Of course, new environment and a lot of new faces. A few months ago, she was moved to the same roster as me, and it seems to be permanent or at least going to be like this for a while. I can't stop looking at her, and her perfume always gets my heart racing whenever she walks past me. I was settling down, not a crazy crush. Just enjoy being around her. I didn't need to do anything, nothing serious, just some beautiful girl I like to watch. (No, not in a creepy, pervy way. I just enjoy watching her beautiful face, and the way she works is almost like dancing, smooth, and steady, yet it was breathtaking.) I always trying to catch her smile because she rarely smiles at all. "Just a crush," I keep saying to myself. I mean, the world wouldn't end with me doing nothing. She may have already had someone, and I already have someone. Things won't work anyway, the stage of acceptance. (Before you all come bashing at me, I am in an ENM relationship.)

Life got busy, and I was stressed from work, mortgage, bills, and mental health. For a few weeks, I have had my worst days, and I don't even know why. I feel cramped and don't enjoy going to work. It feels like just a duty to earn money. I didn't realize J wasn't coming to work. (My work is two days on and two days off, and sometimes the workstation I have to work at is pretty isolated) Eventually, it caught on, I noticed she was missing. I started worrying if she had quit or changed the roster or moved the department. But she's the star of our team, and my supervisor always keeps me updated if there's a change in the roster or if anyone is moving from our work as I am second-in-charge. So, I realized she might be on some sort of leave. One day, I heard the news from my supervisor telling me a couple of our team members and coming back from holiday, including J. I was happy, and in that moment , I decided to give in and act on whatever my heart wanted. I mean, at least I need to do something before I regret it.

I am introverted and have social anxiety. I wanted to say things like, "Good morning, J. You look beautiful.", "Hi, pretty.", "You cut your hair. It suits you.", "I really like your nails." But they are just voices inside. Nothing actually came out of my mouth. At least I learned to smile at her whenever we locked our eyes. Two weeks ago, she and I were assigned close by, and I couldn't stop looking at her. This time, I didn't bother pretending or controlling. At least I try not to affect my work. Whenever she's in my view, I just can't stop looking at her. I think she knows, too. Sometimes, our eyes met, and those split seconds felt like hours. Time seems slowed down whenever she is around. She barely talks to me, and I feel like she may be too shy or feel like I'm unapproachable. Then I thought, what if she's in the same boat? Could it be? Maybe, just maybe she might have a crush on me, too.

Once, locked eyes, and this time none of us looked away it was just a few seconds and yet felt eternity. None of us smile. It just felt right. It almost feels like we were the only ones in the whole world, and everyone else disappeared.

I made a move. I put a smiley on a chocolate and slipped it into her bag. (I have done this twice so far. Last week and yesterday. I hope she doesn't think it's childish.)

Today, she finally talks to me for more than a few seconds. She called out my name so perfectly. It was so soft that I even thought I imagined it. I almost didn't hear it, and I didn't even look back. I was alone in the room. Then, when I turned around as I was washing the equipment, the way she was standing still for my response made me feel butterflies. Asked me to help her find something in the cabinet, which was in a cramped area. Being that close to her made me flustered and forgot I was still holding the soaking wet stuff in my hand dripping wet all over the floor. It was maybe 5 or 10 minutes. It truly made my day.

Does she know I am the one putting chocolate in her bag? Does she know I have a crush on her? Does she have a crush on me, too? What next? I have been trying to find her on social media. Nada. I want to ask for her number or social media... But I couldn't imagine being rejected, I am not ready or strong enough yet. Then what?

Sometime, I just say "Fuck it" and want to confess that I have a crush on her and tell her she doesn't have to response and anything. I would be more than satisfied with being friends with her and getting to know her better. I want us to be more than just colleagues. I have two days off, and I don't know how I am gonna survive these two days. Every time I close my eyes, I see her. I started writing poems again. I know, I know. "Don't shit where you eat." It's just that I feel frustrated and would regret more if I didn't do anything.

Thanks for reading my long, heartfelt confession. I want to keep going, but it just won't end.

Edit - Grammer.