Basically I (19m) and a woman (40f) were cuddling in bed one day, and I was venting, and she said

"I don't know how you could hate something (referring to me) I am finding myself to be loving very quickly."

And we remained casual after that.

Well, she went on a date, and after a few weeks, we more or less don't talk anymore.

She leaves me on read frequently, and while part of me believes her when she says she has just been busy, part of me is saying that she's dating someone now and is moving on from me.

I want to trust her because she told me she'd be honest with me about anything going on, but I cannot help but be paranoid and afraid.

I hate myself enormously for not just getting over my fear and at least just trying to date her despite the opinions of my family.

And I genuinely don't think there is anyone else like her on this earth.

These days I hate myself more than I thought could feasibly be possible. It is not uncommon for me to go multiple days without eating, and occasionally without sleeping.

I have lost most of my desire to pursue anyone else and even though I am 19 and more or less just ready to give up and quit ever hoping for someone else like her to appear. I just want to quit and die old and single than to ever chance the possibility of messing up this badly again.

I don't know if any of this is valid or not, I don't know.

I have no clue what to do anymore, but every single day feels empty without her to the point of passive ideation.