My brother has a lot of suicidal ideation. For some reason when he told me about it I became angry at him instead of worried. He's had depression and suicidal thoughts for years. I don't know why it made me mad, but it put me in the exact same state that I enter when talking to my emotionally manipulative mother, who often uses guilt to hurt me - I react by eliminating all my empathy and putting a wall between me and her. I guess some part of me feels like he's doing the same, but he's not. I tried to give advice but he rejected it, as I suppose I knew he would. I don't understand how it's possible for people to not just push unpleasant thoughts out of their mind entirely like I do. I can't empathize with him at all. He accused me of not caring about him and I tried to protest but the fact is, he's right. I wouldn't actually care if he killed himself except for how it would affect my life and induce terrible amounts of grief in my mother and possibly father, who might blame me for it. It would create a feeling of fear - terrible fear - a terrible change in my life that I will not know how to cope with - but would I actually feel grief? I don't know. I don't know if I could grieve for any of these people. I don't know if I feel like they're even people. I feel guilty for lying and I also feel guilty for needing to. I don't know what I feel.