This is long but please bear with me. I'm freaking about my relationship and I feel so messed up in my head that I can't tell if it's all in my head or if there is something real that I should be worried about.

Background: I've been happily married to my husband for about almost 16 years now. We have two kids. Our relationship has been good, we rarely fight, but when we do I tend to blow everything out of proportion. The fights in the past were about disagreements regarding family members mostly.

I never had any trust issues until a few months ago. I found a weed vape pen in our bathroom. I asked him about it and initially he said a friend had given it to him for sleeping but that he never tried it, but he quickly admitted that it was his and after some discussion it came out that he had been using it for 2 years. I asked him why he kept it from me and he said it was because I was the cleanest/most innocent person that he knew, that that's why he had married me, because I didn't do drugs, get drunk (overly), smoke, etc. He knows I come from a pretty conservative Cuban family that doesn't look welll on marijuaneros. But I was really hurt, because in actuality I didn't care about the weed, it was the hiding from me that freaked me out. In fact, eventually I use it from time to time since this whole thing has made me really anxious. I explained to him that this made me weary of what else he was keeping from me because he was ashamed or that he felt I could not handle. He agreed to be honest going forward and said he wasn't keeping anything else from me.

After the discussion I went away for the following weekend and upon returning home and not finding him, he lied about where he was. He said he was having lunch with his best friend (which was true) but he was actually getting a new cartridge. I found this out because when he got home he admitted it. So to his credit, I think he got nervous when I called him and he was buying the weed and lied in the spur of the moment but then when he got home told me what he had actually been doing. I got a bit upset because not even a week had passed since the initial discussion.

This was in September. I was really upset and a bit traumatized by the whole things and I messed up. Every few days I would find something and since I was in a heightened state of distrust, my mind would blow things out of proportion.

A bone of contention was a bank account he opened in early 2019 for our artisan business to keep the payments separate from our checking account. I was supposed to be on the account but he wasn't able to add me when he opened it and this was before the whole trust issues came up so I never even thought about it. Until then. During the first week that I found out about the weed I told him that I wanted to be added to the account and he agreed quite nicely. A few days later I asked about calling the bank and he got upset that I was bringing it up again. This threw me for a loop and of course I got even more panicked and suspicious. At one point I tried logging on and he said he had forgotten the password so he only logged in on his phone. All this came to a head when I demanded to see the account and he refused b/c he said I was being overly mistrusting. He asked for a separation because he was tired of me freaking about everything. I suffer from panic attacks and this whole things threw me down into a horrible abyss. I couldn't imagine my life without him and backed off, but there was a deep hurt.

Things settled down but the in November I accused him of doing coke because there's mirror he uses for backcombing his hair and it had dust so in my overreactive state I jumped to the conclusion that my husband was a cocaine user. No evidence other than back in our earliest days of living together he used to carry a little metal vial that stated it was for nitroglycerin. I don't recall if it had anything in it, I don't think so. I remembered that and looked up nitroglycerin and saw that cocaine users used it for heart pain. That was enough for another freak out. He denied it and once again asked to separate because he couldn't deal with the constant freakouts.

Next day I apologized and said I would get counseling to help with my trust issues and freaking out over everything. I'm been trying and things have been better for the most part. We share an Instagram account for our business and I am constantly looking at the photos he likes. He also has a personal Instagram that is private and he doesn't want me to follow it because he post offensive memes and what not and my sensibilities. Last week I noticed he search an IG account of a girl who had quite a few bikini pics and it messed me up a bit. While I know that's normal it made me search our computer and while I did not really find anything, it has put me in a anxious state.

So I think it is clear that have issues with catastrophizing and overreacting. But I can't help but feel that something IS up. Yesterday I told him that I needed to do our self-employed taxes so I needed the account info so I could import the info to quickbooks and he said he had closed the account. I told him well I need the info for the taxes but said if you don't want to give it fine. He said ok and of course my face just completely fell and he smiled and said he was waiting for it (for me to freak out). I said that I was not going to freak out because if he didn't want to share there was nothing I could do but that it hurt. So he laughed and asked if he could get the info from the bank and said ok that he would give it to me. I checked out square account today and it's still set up to go to his account (he may just have forgotten). He transferred money on the 2nd of January from that account into our joint (just 11) so maybe he closed it that day? But I have a feeling that he did not.

Then as we were packing to go sleepover at his job (he needed to wake up early to bake bread because he boss was not there) I walked into the run and he was opening a box of ties in his nighttable that as far as I know only has ties and he doesn't need any and he saw me and sort of just closed it back and I left the room and ignored it but inside I was like OH MY GOD HE's Hiding something (cocaine or what not) in there and he was grabbing it to go.

So tonight Im going to sit down in QuickBooks and I'll ask him for the information and hopefully he wont backtrack like he has in the past but basically I'm aksing…...

if he refuses to share the information tonight, am I right to be freaked out or am I just going crazy?

We have never had separate accounts.