So I have a lot of crippling mental health issues to the point where I’m now trying to get on disability. I’m often quite depressed and anxious, But things typically get a lot better when I’m owned. I actually have the motivation to get out of bed and do something important with my day and work to better myself. I get someone who holds me accountable and gives me comforting purpose, direction, and a compassion I feel like I deserve because I worked to earn it. Sitting as Masters feet and being pet is one of the few things that can make me drop my hyper vigilance for just a moment and feel calm.

Sometimes I worry I can’t change. Sometimes I worry I’m broken. Sometimes I worry that I’ve only gotten worse as I age. Sometimes don’t feel like I’m even human anymore. This has kinda led me to fantasize and day dream about my Master lifting me up and “fixing” me. I romanticize the concept of him “keeping me safe” because the outside world is usually extremely unpleasant and scary. Is this unhealthy? The logical part of my brain knows that I actually have gotten better and made a lot of progress on my own but my emotional brain rarely recognizes that. I still feel like a cowardly doomed failure.

I worry that I’m putting too much pressure on my Owner. I haven’t told him yet how I feel in this regard because I’m worried about scaring him away. I know he can’t actually solve all my problems because he’s not a trained medical professional. But I still fantasize about it because I worry I can’t face the outside world alone.

And for the record, I’m going to therapy and I’m on 6 different meds. I don’t just rely on him.

EDIT: I discussed these feelings with my Master and he told me I’m emotionally intelligent enough to not do any of the things I fear I’m doing. He told me our relationship is based on co-regulation so hoping it improves me as a person isn’t inherently bad.