I'm a 28F switch who's been involved in public kink communities since I was 23. My kinks/interests aren't too crazy: impact, pegging, pet play, softdom, a bit of bondage, electricity. But I feel like kink's broken me and I'll never have a fulfilling relationship.

The longest, most serious relationship I've ever had was emotionally abusive, and it involved the most severe betrayals of trust after the most intense scenes (knifeplay, suffocation, etc.) and jokes about murdering me. And a recent breakup occurred the morning after a rough scene which left me covered with bite marks from my hips to my knees with no aftercare given.

I used to like rough edge play and was interested in CNC but now I'm scared of it because I'm afraid of placing my life and trust in the hands of someone who doesn't care. I'm frustrated by missing my abuser because it was the only relationship that came closest to fulfilling my sexual and kink needs even though he didn't give a shit about my needs - our needs just overlapped enough so he got his kicks. My partners since don't play as often or as intensely - the most I get is a few slaps of a crop, or someone who just wants me to peg them without the emotional/psychological aspects of play.

I wish I could turn everything off and just be a vanilla, straight, mono woman. I want to have a primary partner (which I've never had...) and a family someday but I feel like I'm a broken slut who'll never be happy and wouldn't deserve it anyway. None of my kinky friends are partnered or family-oriented so I feel alone.

I'm already in therapy with a kink-affirming therapist but I'm wondering if others have had similar experiences and how you got over it. Would also love to hear about people in loving, fulfilling, kinky relationships who have kids and still kept that kinky spark - how did you find each other, how do you make it work, etc.