warning: I'm gonna mention a panic attack-like-feeling so feel free to skip this if that's not something you want to read about right now.

About a month ago, I was staying with my quarantine FWB/close friend who acts as a Dom (also from Reddit, so thanks internet for that wonderful addition to my life!!). Neither of us were really in a mood to play, given that it was a few days before the U.S. elections so personal stressors were at an all-time high and professional stressors were definitely squeezing in on us.

We communicate really well both in and out of scenes, but it's worth noting that we definitely use/crave sex differently. This is a boundary we're pretty good, if not, great, about respecting, and I have to give him a lot of credit for the amount and quality of communication about our libidos that we do. When I get stressed, I feel like I "need" sex and physical touch to soothe me, and with this partner, it's not so much the same for him. On my last night staying with him, we decided to try our usual play scene- starting with sensory deprivation and seeing where it would go from there. Sensory deprivation is something I've really only explored with him and is something that puts me deep in subspace and helps immensely in reducing anxiety or other feelings that are sitting in me.

We started the scene and I immediately knew that something felt off on my end - I felt this incredibly knotted up and tight feeling in my chest that I couldn't get rid of no matter how much I tried to breathe through it. The same sort of feeling I get in my body during a panic attack or a trauma-related flashback. I tried to listen to the music playing in the headphones and focus on the touches he laid on my body, lightly running his fingers on me and using our toys on my arms and legs. I felt myself tense up, and I genuinely couldn't tell if I was about to orgasm or if I was about to break down. I was hoping that if I focused hard enough on cumming or on enjoying the feelings of touch on my skin, I could tamp down whatever weird shit was going through my head and racing through my body like quickening pulses. When I thought I was on the edge of cumming, I instead burst into tears- silently crying and shaking and trying to hide my emotions by deep breathing. I figured, "okay, I've cried during sensation play before from intense physical feelings, maybe this is like that, maybe I can get through it". Nope. I tried for maybe 30-45 seconds and immediately felt the word "red" leave my mouth.

I didn't expect to say it, I SO badly wanted to NOT say it, but it just came out. Immediately he unclipped my wrists and my ankles while I tossed the blindfold off and took the headphones off. I couldn't stop crying or hyperventilating, and what made it worse is that I didn't know where any of this was coming from. He wrapped me up in his arms and brushed my hair with his hands and kissed my forehead, soothing me as best he could while I tried to slow my breathing. I eventually slowed down, but it took a lot longer than I wanted or expected it to, which doubly frustrated me. We waited until I stabilized a little bit with some water and just skin on skin cuddling before we were able to talk about it, and then it was just word vomit. I can't even remember at this point what I said or what I was feeling or thinking about when I safeworded. I remember feeling as though I was forcing myself to engage in the scene to please him, but feeling like he was only engaging in it for me, some sick sort of moment where neither of us wanted to be there, but both wanted to do it for the other one who didn't even want it in the first place. The moment brought up crucially important conversations for us in talking about what our friendship and sexual relationship meant to us and where we stood on sex and coping and our boundaries, and I'm so glad it brought that stuff up, but I'm still mad at myself for safewording.

I know that it's not an issue that I safeworded. I know he doesn't care and I know conceptually that it doesn't make me any *less* of a sub for safewording. I know that doing it brought us closer and helped me take charge of what I needed in the moment. But I'm still feeling so tense about it (i can feel the same tightening in my chest thinking about it), and I really feel like a "less than" submissive for doing it "for no real reason" as my mind tells me.

Have any other subs had this sort of negative inner dialogue after safe wording- where logically you know it was right for you and the better decision, but it lingers with guilt attached to the memory? Dom(me)s- have you had any sort of similar experience?