This is gonna be a long story, please bear with me.

For the past year or so, I have been trying on and off and on again to flex my muscles at being given a Dom/master for an online sub for ongoing fun. I know the online scene isn't ideal because of flakes and fakes abound, but as my offline options are nigh unreachable, I've been giving it a fair shake.

I'm not what one would normally be seen as the dominant type - I'm rather laid back, passive and nonconfrontational, and I don't enjoy having to pretend to be the forceful, assertive type. I don't have the "superior Alpha" personality and attempting to fake it puts me in a very bad mood. I'm also not big on watching vanilla play, I don't have any real interest in just telling a guy to ride his dildo until he cums. I more enjoy kink/fetish play, and I'm very accommodating even when my partner... isn't.

My dilemma comes from the fact that my attempts at domming have been largely unsuccessful all this time. I've been ignored, mocked, insulted, blocked, or just plain abandoned by every sun I've ever had, either immediately or after only a week or so. And I get so many conflicting reasons - or no reason at all - as to why I fell short. I'm too pushy. I'm not assertive enough. I'm boring to play with. My kinks are too weird. I check in too much. I'm never around. And so on. This is mainly because I try to cater to what my sub wants from me in an attempt to keep them from just leaving if I'm not up to snuff. But it's gotten to the point that I have abandonment issues and feel a fearful apprehension with every new partner because I know a single misstep will spell the end.

Tonight I just had a professional, experienced slave chew me out for "constantly attacking" him, even though I had given him essentially three whole days off from doing any service because he was busy/sick and had been walking on eggshells the entire time to keep this exact situation from happening. But I expressed exasperation at the fact that he had fallen asleep on me in the middle of a session without saying anything to me, and he exploded as though I was implyng he failed me utterly. So chances are good that this won't work out either, as he's too wound up in his role as "subhuman" to give me a proper understanding of his wants and needs.

At this point, I think it's safe to say that I'm probably not looking for an orthodox D/s relationship. But what can I do? How can I find what I'm looking for when all these other attempts have implanted such an outright fear of rejection or failure in me?