Hey yall. I understand this issue isn't unique to the BDSM community only, but just wanted to share and vent a bit.

I've been vanilla for the most part of my life while engaging in some gentle Femdom without even knowing. In retrospect, I've always been dominant, I was just ashamed to admit it for the longest time.

For the past couple of years, my knowledge and desires have grown and I realized I'm more on the sadistic side (not overly extreme like blood and such but I do enjoy inflicting pain). And from what I've seen, most people are looking for something gentle.

Now various attempts at finding an actual relationship with a sub only resulted in short term flings. Particularly the very last one, I blame myself for even starting anything because I knew RIGHT AWAY that person wasn't for me.

Now I had a thought of possibly going back to vanilla dating. But in my vanilla relationships I always felt that something was missing, especially in the sexual aspect.

Have I ever felt love? I felt infatuation, "obsession", anxiety, but not what I consider true love. Something always felt wrong about all of the people I dated.

The cruel irony is perfect kink compatibility means absolutely nothing when it comes to getting along as actual human beings.

Where am I going with this? I don't really know. I know finding love is hard, yet it feels even harder as a kinky individual.