hi all

I need some advice. TLDR: my wife and I have been co topping my sub, but now it seems like she (wife) is having a hard time not being Dom to my sub and it’s causing a whole host of things.

The long: My partner and I are polyamorous and have recently started dating the same person. I started dating B (F) back in June and my partner started dating B last month. Things have been mostly good, including the fact that I encouraged P (my partner) to pursue B initially.

A little backstory. B and I had recently (like August) established our relationship as a D/s dynamic. I’ve never been a Dom before, but she is a very experienced sub and P is actually in a D/s dynamic with another Dom. Anyway. P started wanting to explore topping (she’s normally sub or a switch with me) and eventually landed with B. B is a bottom to P’s top, and then B and I have this D/s dynamic.

Recently, I’ve been having a hard time in the bedroom with P, during scenes with B. I keep feeling like P is trying to “out Dom” me, and P keeps feeling like I’m trying to make it so she has to ask permission whenever she wants to do something with B, when we are all together in a scene. I keep trying to explain to P that it’s more the Dom in me struggling with her trying to (real or imagined) take more control than I feel is appropriate, or asserting control at times when I am the one who is in control. It’s frustrating.

P asked last night that we (B and I) sort of set aside our D/s dynamic when we 3 are together, but we both said we couldn’t reasonably do that, because it’s just how we are together. I love them both, very much, but am feeling like this is an unreasonable ask. Today P told me she thinks we should transition to 3 separate relationships (basically not co-topping) until we figure this out. I told P that I feel like communication is the issue but she thinks it’s deeper than that.

A few additions: I’m autistic. P and I are married and cohabitating. P has been in her D/s dynamic for over a year.

All that to say, I’m frustrated and want to know about other dynamics that are similar to this. How did/would you handle it? Am I the asshole?

Advice appreciated.