I apologize for the ungodly length of this but it required a lot of context, so I did my best to at least make it organized and streamlined.

Good morning everyone. Let me start by saying that I have been into kink since puberty. All it took was seeing one bondage video entirely too early in middle school, and I was hooked. However aside from watching videos, I never fully invested myself because I believed it was just a fantasy that only existed in porn. Sure, a few of my partners let me tie their wrists or handcuff them, but it always felt like something they were doing because I asked, not because they wanted to do it. I sort of accepted that my body betrayal roleplays and silly bondage scenes were just a weird part of myself that I would hopefully outgrow. However, all that changed when I met K.

While talking with K, we found out that the Venn diagram of our kinks was pretty much a circle. She wasn't just open to anything I wanted to try, but enthusiastically wanted to try it. From bondage, to dirty talk, to even CnC-roleplay, we tried all sorts of fantasies and every one was a home run. She made me feel like a million dollars and safe enough to share even my most depraved and embarrassing fantasies. It was through play with her that I learned how much I love edging my partner. She allowed me to experience the almost magical connection that forms between two partners when a Sub trusts a Dom enough to fully submit and a Dom relishes in the opportunity to give their sub the ecstasy of subspace. All this to say, play with K was probably the most gratifying and exciting fun I had ever experienced in my entire life. It made me realize just how important kink is to me and left me with a craving that may never fade. 

Unfortunately, despite our incredible connection in bed, I did not feel the same gratification when it came to the relationship. For context, I have had the privilege of being blessed with an amazing group of friends since high school. Each of them are incredibly intelligent, radiantly charismatic, and fantastic conversationalists with a quick wit and phenomenal sense of humor. We are the kind of friends who in any given evening will dissect the current political issues of the day, critically analyze the themes of a recent film or tv show, and discuss how historical events may be directly impacting our current conditions, all while making dumb jokes and doing improvised bits with silly voices.  As such, I am used to BIG personalities, so I want my partner to intellectually challenge me and verbally play at the same level as my friends. 

K was probably one of the sweetest most devoted people I know, but she was not exactly a deep thinker. Whenever we would talk, it would almost always end up with me explaining something to her, not because I was trying to mansplain, but because she legitimately was unaware of the historical event or scientific thing I was referencing. I refuse to call her shallow, but her view of the world was definitely surface level. The sex may have been AMAZING and it was so comforting to have someone ready and eager to go out or just hang out and cuddle at a moment's notice, but I came to realize that it was the companionship I was enjoying, not the companion and that was not fair to K. She deserves someone who is just as head over heels for her as she was for me, so after about six months of dating, I decided that we should part ways.

What I didn’t realize was just how much of an impact this relationship would have on my sex life and relationship to kink. Shortly after K and I broke up, I began to dive head first into BDSM. It wasn’t just porn videos anymore. I began to read about the community and the psychology behind it. With each new article, I began to better understand why Doms and Subs think the way we do and what inspires someone to want to be tied up and called a slut. I started reading reviews about different sex toys and made the choice to start practicing shibari not just for kinky play but also as an art form. Kink had morphed from a silly fantasy to an incredible tantalizing hobby that I wanted to share with a future partner. Even porn, which used to be a solo experience of watching a fantasy for my own pleasure, had now morphed into a somewhat lonely experience of wanting to share in the excitement of trying that tie, sex machine, or roleplay with an eager partner. Consequently, I started actively looking by making posts on or reaching out to people on BDSMpersonals and making a FetLife account. As you can probably guess from this post though, my efforts have not been successful and I believe nothing can illustrate why better than my relationship with M.

A little over two years after breaking up with K (and an exhausting amount of failed effort finding a partner), I happened to meet a new hire at work, I will call M. I could write sonnets about her grace and beauty, but let’s just say that she was the polar opposite of K. She was so intelligent that it was sometimes intimidating, not only knowing most of my political and historical references but oftentimes challenging me on my understanding of them. As both an actress with an MFA and a professional dancer, as well as having a deep and nurtured appreciation for painted art, she and I could wax poetic about the arts and human experience into the wee hours of the morning. She also carried herself with a grace and energy that was as humbling as it was intoxicating. All of this inspired me to be the best version of myself that I could be because she deserved nothing less. I can’t in good faith use the “L” word because we only dated for 5 months, but I can honestly say that I was smitten with her. To give you an idea, around month three, I asked and then proceeded to send her a text every night before bed, so she would know that she was the last thing on my mind. It was the first time in my life I dated someone and genuinely felt like I could devote the rest of my life to them.

Unfortunately, she truly was the polar opposite of K because our sex life was not as magical. Although she seemed interested and was open to trying some kinky things at the beginning (she really liked getting spanked), things slowly fell apart. Sex was never smooth with her. Whenever I would try something there would always be some complication or awkward moment that would lessen if not ruin the fun (a problem I had never had with partners before or after her). My libido is pretty damn high (see my post about Free Use to fully understand), so getting to a point where I felt nervous to even touch her was torture. On top of this, whenever I tried to tell her about my fantasies, she would think they were weird or genuinely concerning. I began to feel guilty about some of the things I was imagining, because I know she would think I am a creep if I told her. I absolutely hate lying, so feeling like I had to keep all of these thoughts inside in shame made me feel disgusting. It was not the only reason (the circumstances of our relationship were challenging and we had a collection of other issues), but this sexual incompatibility definitely played a role in us eventually breaking up. That was a little over three months ago and it was by far the most painful breakup I have had to experience. 

So, with all that in mind, this brings us back to why I have been having trouble finding a partner and the issue posed in my title. As a demisexual monogamous man, I am a bit of a helpless romantic. I want to give all of myself fully over to a partner who genuinely blows me away and inspires me to be better. Even if for a brief moment, M allowed me to experience that bliss and now I crave it more than ever. However, it has been my experience that the characteristics that make for a phenomenal inspiring partner don’t typically result in a woman who craves to be tied up, edged until she helplessly begs to cum, and gets off on being called a needy slut when she does. I have had moderate success connecting with interested potential partners (the numbers are significantly lower for men than for women 😑), but they have all either been on the other side of the world or county, or have lacked the rich personality that I am used to and need from a partner. It has been my experience that most Subs want a man to always take the lead while they kind of coast through life and that is not the kind of partner I want. I have considered looking for partners in more vanilla settings so I can have a much larger pool of lovely ladies, but then that runs the risk of having a potential repeat of the shame I felt with M. If I have to choose between the two, I will take a fulfilling relationship over kinky fun, every day of the week, but I shudder at the idea of having to keep thoughts and desires locked away in shame and I know that I would at the very least be disappointed.

As a last note, to be completely open and honest, I will admit that part of my trouble has come from being a bit picky when it comes to looks, but I refuse to believe that wanting a woman with a pretty face and nice figure is asking too much. I take good care of myself physically, and at the risk of sounding arrogant, I have been called “hot” by enough people to at least know that I am conventionally attractive, so it’s not like I am unrealistically reaching. In the same vein as my hatred of having to lie, I want to genuinely and emphatically be telling the truth when I tell my pattern how much I want her and have a genuinely hard time keeping my eyes and hands off of her.   

All this to say, after almost three years of chasing the high, I am becoming exhausted and despondent. I hate simultaneously feeling disappointed by potential subs on reddit and letting them down while also feeling too weird or gross to meet potential partners normally. If you took the time to read the stream of consciousness, then God bless you. I would appreciate any perspective or advice that you can provide.