Good morning everyone. I know that is a weird title, but let me explain. Pretty much since puberty, I have been into kink, but for my teenage years and early twenties, it was just sort of something that I kept to myself. Once and while a partner and I would dabble with bondage, but we never really made it past handcuffs and a vibrator. I just sort of assumed that my wilder more intense desires were purely fantasy, relegated to the fictional world of porn.

Well, all that changed when I met B. While talking with B, we found out that the venn diagram of our kinks was pretty much a circle. She wasn't just open to anything I wanted to try, but enthusiastically wanted to try it. From bondage, to dirty talk, to even cnc-roleplay, we tried all sorts of fantasies and every one was a home run. She wasn’t a full on nymph, but her sex drive was surprisingly higher than mine and was pretty much always ready to go at a moment's notice. Also, I didn't realize how much of a blessing this was at the time, but she was unbelievably easy in bed. Not only could she cum with very little effort but she had the stamina to cum over and over again. Our record was 10 in a row, and I have no doubt we could have broken that if we tried again. Not only was this a confidence boost, but it also helped ease the guilt I would sometimes feel from some of my fantasies because I had physical reassurance that she was having a great time. As silly as it sounds, sex with her made me feel like a god. It was probably the most gratifying and exciting fun I have ever had in my entire life.

Unfortunately, despite how great we were in bed, we weren't compatible as long term partners, so we decided to go our separate ways. What I didn't realize at the time was just how much of an impact she would have on me. I have had a few casual flings in the years after her to varying degrees of fun, but all of them felt like I was just chasing the high from B. Some have even been less than pleasant. For example, despite every effort I genuinely tried, I could not get my last partner to cum, and it drove me mad, especially because I deeply cared for her and for a moment was thinking she might be the one. It was the emotional equivalent of chewing on a bunch of delicious food but never swallowing and therefore never feeling satiated.

To be clear, I am not pining to get back together with B. There is so much more to a healthy monogamous relationship than just great sex, and despite our ecstasy in bed, we did not not have much else going for us outside of play. However, I can't help but feel the shadow she has cast over my sex life. Like the junky who craves that euphoria of that first hit, never to reach it again, I worry that I may spend the rest of my life knowing that I peaked and subconsciously comparing every future partner to the bliss of my time with B, a fate which is both horribly unhealthy for me and not just unfair but downright hurtful to any future partner. To clarify, I am already annoyingly picky about potential partners, both physically and personality wise, so adding another unrealistic standard to that list (especially one as intimate and embarrassing as kink) sounds like a life of disappointment or solitude. 😞

With all of this in mind, I return to my first question. How do I get over this? I have been trying to pull away from kink, but much like the self loathing gay child trying to “pray the gay away,” I feel like all that will do is fill me with shame and resentment. I suppose the easy answer is, “just be patient and you will find another B,” but not only is it incredibly hard to meet attractive women with a good sense of humor who are monogamous and into kink, I have also learned from partners since B that women who can cum quickly and continuously are a rare blessing. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I truly appreciate any thoughts, feedback, or advice you can provide. 🙂