I’ve been struggling with a sense of worth and connection to this community. BDSM has been a big part of my identity, especially in the early parts of both my adulthood and coming out as trans. I’ve met some amazing people and loved some amazing loves. I’ve done scenes that have been transformative to me and given some wonderful scenes to people as well.

And yet, I’ve reached points in both of the above instances of deep interconnectiveness with the community that something happens and I’m convinced at this point that it’s my fault and a flaw with who I am as a person.

I’m not able to commit to being fully in the community despite a deep desire and longing to be. I’m unable to let go and fully embrace who I know I am. No matter how hard I tried or talk myself into it, nothing seems to change and I’m on the verge of giving up entirely.

I want to be a collared submissive to a worthy Dom more than anything. I want to be owned and treated well. Yet, I’m told over and over again that’s it’s my behavior and what I’m doing that stopping me from getting what I want. That my hang ups and inability to let go that is stopping me from getting what I want.

I want to be a full time kinkster and be able to engage in the lifestyle in such a way that I can go to events like DomCon, KinkFest, and Folsom Street Fair regularly. Yet, I’m broke, unemployed, and disabled after years of mistreating my body and addiction, as well as just getting old. I’m 33 years old and I already feel like my life is over. It hurts so much to see my friends and people who I met when they just got started in the scene go and do amazing and beautiful things.

I’ve received training on being a submissive and I’m a really good submissive. Yet, I’m told that my “loyalty to a fault” mentality won’t reward me and that I won’t be looked after.

I feel like giving up and just not bothering to want anything or dream of the life I want to live anymore. I just feel like a traveler who gets to taste the finer things but doesn’t to have them in their day-to-day.

I’ve been putting in the work and doing what I can to heal and grow and be this person that I know I can be. But I’m so stuck in process and working on myself that I just don’t see any end in sight. There’s just more and more and more. More work, more growth, more to add to the list. I’m doing this on my own without anyone to really give me guidance because both of my past Mistresses have stopped the relationship because of me and my behavior and how I’ve acted in the relationship (so I am told). The last Daddy I engaged with turned out to be a serial abuser and narcissist who’s facing consequences for his actions (and I feel like who I associate myself with leaves behind marks and reduces my viability with others). I’m Owned and have a collar but that’s really it. It’s just an accessory without any weight behind it. Rather it’s there to keep me safe from being preyed upon by those who would take advantage of me.

Sorry for the rant and rambling. I’m in a lot of pain and working through envy upon seeing a friend who entered the scene five years ago posting about their time at Folsom and just really feeling left behind. Like I’m here to just help elevate others to their dreams while mine don’t matter.

I’m going to go cry now before I get up and figure out what to eat.

PS DMs are open if you feel like reaching out.