Preamble, wife and I are switches, shes leaning strongly Domme lately, I am often sub for her lately but have been more switch with her in the past and both sides at events depending on the scene. This would almost be better suited for a poly/enm sub but there are power exchange D/s dynamics throughout. Maybe there is somewhere better to post though?

Backstory…

So give or take a year ago my wife and I got into our local bdsm community, we have sole different interests, she suggested I try playing with others so I started casual at first. She started dating someone from the community as well, she went out with him a few times. The woman I was “seeing”, lets call her S, and I say seeing because we only played a few times, and never alone, never actually went out together just the two of us, her, my wife, and I were and are still all friends, theres no interest between them beyond that. Anyway things were progressing into a relationship of sorts, we were messaging a lot explicitly, and there was flirting at social gatherings where many people knew we played together, and my wife got jealous and blew up, she wasn’t really into the guy, said she felt like she had to “try” this because I wanted it, it was a mess, so I ended things, I was ready to cut all ties with the community and just focus on us, I still am if it comes to that. Everything stopped, when the dust settled we ended up staying in the community and friends with S, I still played with S once or twice but only at events and only after my wife suggested it and I waited and double checked etc. I don’t message S or have regular communication, just when we get together socially, my wife’s idea and insisted she was ok with it, and that has been fine, my interest did kinda died down though, I don’t enjoy it now that it feels like walking on eggs shells.

There has also done some pickup play with others, but nothing with ongoing communication, mostly non sexual bdsm, she could care less and says its kinda boring to her, she setup and was involved one scene that was sexual for me, it was her idea/fantasy and she planned it. so the issue is with jealousy over time spent communication and maybe getting close/connected to someone.

More recently…

Over the past few months shes started mentioning conversations shes been having with guys, at some point I asked where she was meeting/talking to them and found out she was on feeid, she said she just thought it was an app for meeting people, Im like “um thats a dating app”. Most of the guys she stopped talking to one way or another and never met them, I don’t really care if she talks to people online, theres never been an “emotional affair” type of situation or anything that might be different.

Recently though she really had mutual interest with one guy and they recently went on a date. Before and since shes been flirting with him and talking to him a lot, she tells me damn near everything, and I feel like Im her bff wingman or something asking me what she should say/do/etc. Im happy and excited for her, but it’s kinda getting old. From my own jealousy standpoint I feel like shes putting more effort into flirting with him than she does or even ever has with me, like we try watching tv and shes pausing to talk about him and “he said this, what should I say?”, we did that sorta thing a lot when it was just screwing around online with people she wasn’t meeting, but now shes dating him and its weird, Im trying to distance myself as I feel like she is causing me to be somehow tied to their relationship in secret, I don't want to influence their relationship, a relationship she is explicit about not sharing with me, Im bi/pan and she guy shes seeing is bi, I half-joked about joining in since a lot of her flirting and advances were ideas she solicited from me, shes indirectly having me get him worked up, she literally said no I don't want to share he's mine, she said she was worried Id give him a good blowjob and steal him away.

I did point out how shes 10x past doing what she got jealous and blew up at me about with S, we had less than an hour of flirty texts together and shes chatting him up all hours of the day, she says she gets it now and will try harder to not be jealous so I can enjoy the same liberties. So we are communicating.

I have gotten mixed messages from her because at first shes saying she just wants to go out and date have fun and do things since I don’t and she has trouble finding friends to do things with and I don’t like doing a lot of date stuff, I prefer to stay home, most date activities feel like a waste of money. She said she isn’t looking for sex, but on the other hand shes trying like hell to get him worked up and flirting sexually, the vibe before was like shes saying what shes doing is ok because she wasn’t interested in sex just going out, while I am not really interested in dating so much as I am interested in bdsm with some sexual aspects. But now shes ok if I do start looking myself, or resume or do more with S, so I joined feeid and we connected our accounts on there and have our own profiles looking separately. I have talked to S a bit, but Im not sure if that can be resumed like it was, we had our own chemistry vibe going on and it got destroyed, she is probably hesitant to risk something more than casual play and get hurt again.

Im not afraid of my wife leaving me, that might sound egotistical and that maybe true, but I don’t think it likely. Im more concerned that this is going to somehow blow up in my face if I started pursuing others, I know its ok if I don’t want to and all and I am feeling that out myself, Im ok with her seeing someone even if I am not, its just been a LOT and fast, and she normally doesn’t move fast and shes demi, she says she feels like they just had such an easy time talking etc, so I get they have chemistry and its new and exciting, but I feel like Im her friend thats tired of hearing about her new boyfriend 24/7. And like.. she seemed so jealous when I joked about me flirting with him, he showed up on my feeid feed and I joked and said I should see if I match with him and she kinda freaked out (I did not hit like).

Im also worried for the guy, he a lot younger but old that I wouldn’t consider it grooming or anything, he's not inexperienced, and he seems to understand that shes is not going to become monogamous with him, he doesn’t want kids and likes having his own place/space. But I am worried that they are falling very fast and that if something goes wrong he’s going to get severely hurt while I am sure my marriage would also take a hit I know it will make it through.

She mentioned she wants to take him to a munch coming up and introduce him to the community, obviously show off her new young toy, I said go for it have fun. She said she wanted me to go too, I wasn’t sure, I haven’t been wanting to goto stuff lately, kinda out of spoons socially and all, she messaged S to see if she wanted to go too before I gave a definite answer, she wants me to drive with S up front so her and her new toy can sit in back.

Ok so about half way through writing this I self realized at least some of the how fucked this is, please share the ways I might have missed, and if theres any “this is not totally fucked” thoughts please share them.

Do I give it a shot making my own pursuits? (if I really want to, still feeling that out, I am also kinda “working on myself” it sounds cliche but I am doing a lotta good for myself). Im starting to feel like this is gonna blow up but I am not sure if or how I can stop that from happening, or maybe I should just find a safe place to stand free of the blast zone.

I think my wife is also realizing this is fast and furious. She is kinda scared suddenly how fast it has been but shes driving it, she is the one bringing up sexual things and flirting, he’s receptive of course, what guy wouldn’t be if the woman he liked was acting like a cougar on the hunt. We have been communicating, but I think maybe I haven't been objective, I think I might be too supportive, and I am also to blame for encouraging her.