I don't understand what's happening to me

I've only recently figured out what a cuckold/voyeur is, but this description roughly fits my feelings and desires.

I'm 25 years old. I have a very strong libido and I constantly want sex. But the thing is, my desires have always been suppressed. All the girls I've tried to get sex with have always rejected me and given preference to other guys who are better than me.

And I like it, to feel rejected, an unworthy loser. That my only advantage is to sit and watch (I dream of having such an experience), as guys who are superior to me in everything get what I want, and I myself do not get.

Thoughts about this turnes me much more than any other. Like I love feeling like loser and cuckold.

Tell me, is it normal that I enjoy this or is it a loss of self-esteem and I have problems?