As you can imagine, this post will deal with triggering content so please be aware of that before reading.

Good Morning everyone. Happy Sunday to you. So, I recently went on a date with a fellow kinky individual and while talking about kink, she mentioned that she doesn't like CnC (consenting non-consent) and doesn't understand what would fuel a person to be into that. She wasn’t kink shaming. She just said that she wouldn't be comfortable with someone who had secret desires for that kind of fantasy. Well, as someone who is into CnC, I had to awkwardly just kind of dodge the topic, until we moved on. 😬 It’s perfectly fine that it wasn’t her thing, but what bothered me was the limited view she seemed to have of the kink. From what I gathered, she understood CnC to be aggressive rape fantasies, where a predator violently overpowers their prey as their prey genuinely fights back, and unfortunately it has been my experience that most people (especially those new to kink) use this definition for CnC as well, but it’s not completely accurate or fair. 

CnC is so much more than simulated rape (a phrase I am never found of using 😑). It is true that some people genuinely enjoy that kind of roleplay, and as long as all parties involved are aware of the risks and are eagerly on board then all power to them, but there are so many more ways that CnC takes shape in play. Simply put, CnC is anytime a consenting partner pretends to not consent to what's happening. It can range from the extremes of the previously mentioned scenes to the simple act of just saying “no” instead of “yes” during otherwise vanilla sex. One could make the argument that bondage is inherently CnC because any effort to wriggle out of a rope could be interpreted as pretend resistance or non-consent. To give you a specific example, one of my core kinks is body betrayal (basically when a person is so turned on that they can't help but give into the pleasure, no matter how hard they try to resist). This kink is undoubtedly defined as CnC but is in no way inherently violent. Sure the scene might involve bondage or acts or constriction based on the plot or circumstances, but it can also be as innocent as a Dom feeling up their sub while the sub tries and fails to resist their carnal desires, as their nos slowly turn to yesses. Any scene where a person is pretending to not consent can be defined as a rape scene, but I think you can see how it would be in bad faith to lump body betrayal into the same category as the violent scenes mentioned above.

So coming back to my awkward situation, this limited understanding sort of puts a stigma on anyone into CnC. I would have loved to have discussed with my date how CnC is a multifaceted term with a plethora of interpretations and dive into the psychology behind what fuels the desire for this kink, but I did not want to risk coming across as an aggressive individual with a dubious understanding of consent. Women are already inherently wary of heterosexual men (with unfortunately justified reason), so the last thing I wanted was give the impression that I am a creep, who secretly wants the uncomfortably sadistic thrill of raping a victim and making her cry (a desire that I genuinely do not have and would hate to be accused of having).

All this to say, I am curious how others feel about the situation. Do many of you also struggle with the stigma around CnC? Do you wish there was a way of talking about the kink without fear of scaring your partner or making them feel uneasy? How have you dealt with the situation? I look forward to reading your takes. Thanks for reading. 🙂