tldr at the bottom

So, this requires some backstory. I'm 24 and for basically all of my adult life, I've been a very submissive bottom with all sorts of kinky thoughts and desires swimming around in my head. Kink and BDSM stuff has permeated a lot of my thinking and a day doesn't go by where I don't fantasize about various obscene things being done to me. I honestly think of it like a curse sometimes, an obsession I can't get rid of. I've always wanted to have a committed relationship with a nice dom, y'know, every sub's dream, to totally submit to someone that they really really like. Whether a strictly kink-focused relationship with a dom, or a regular partner who is also my dom, I was down for either one. So ever since I was like 19 or 20, I've been looking for a dom on all the kinky websites and apps, you know the ones. And 4 or 5 years later, ive made no progress in that goal. I have had some casual kinky encounters with people, but they were few and far between and tamer than I really desired, plus it was never with anyone I felt really committed to, so they never lead anywhere towards my goal. I started to think that it just wasn't meant to be, and that the best thing for me to do was to just move on from it all. Tons of people go their whole lives not engaging in anything kinky or bdsm related, surely i could do that too. Thats the mindset I started working with. "I dont need the kink stuff, its not that important, im fine without it," is what I'd tell myself. It sort of made me feel a bit better at the time.

Now here's the really tough part. I live with four roommates who are all very close friends of mine, I love and care about them all so much and they feel the same towards me. They're phenomenal people and extremely important to me. All four of them are actually all dating eachother in a beautiful 4-person relationship and I'm very happy for them all. But they are all four extremely kinky and all very open about it. Rarely a day goes by where I don't overhear them talking about some awesome sexy thing they had planned or some amazing bdsm experience they all had. And it makes me feel so horribly jealous, it's honestly sickening how jealous I get and I HATE it, SO MUCH. I hate feeling jealous and I hate feeling envious. Jealousy is by far my least favorite emotion, it makes me feel absolutely miserable all the time. I can't be anywhere aound my friends without feeling overwhelming amounts of envy for their lifestyle. Let me be clear, I dont hate my friends, I love them all so much and I'm very happy that they are happy and get to live the lives they've always wanted. But I can't get the feeling of jealousy out of my head, jealousy towards the lifestyle I've always wanted being lived by everyone around me.

I just don't wanna be kinky anymore. I hate these desires that I have, I hate them so much. I just want to be vanilla, so that way I won't feel jealous of my kinky friends anymore. I try so hard to push away all of my submssive feeligns, but it's soooo hard doing it everyday while constantly being reminded of how awesome it is to be submisive, curtesy of my friends. The only semi-solution I've found is to shut myself off from them, at least as much as I reasonably can while living with them. But that makes me equally as miserable because I love them and I want to be a good close friend to them, I hate shutting myself out like that. It's like a get a choice between being miserable because of jelousy or miserable because of self-isolation.

I did find a partner online and now we're dating. She's technically a dom but definately not as interested in bdsm stuff as I am, she's more of a soft, vanilla-leaning dom. I really love her a lot as a person, shes super cool and really makes me happy. But she lives very far away and doesn't have any current plans to see me in person; we both want to meet of course, but for personal reasons on her end its looking like it's not gonna happen for a long long time. Even still, I'll admit I'm uncertain that she'd fully be able satisify my deep carnal submissive desires. I agreed to be in a closed relationship with her, a descision I made after starting the whole "push away all the kinky desires and be vanilla" mindset. I was certain that my chances for finding an actual dom were zero, so I agreeed to be exclusive with her, but a part of me is regretting that. I've thought about asking her if we can have an open relationship, but I'm fairly certain she'd not be receptive to it, and I really dont wanna jepardize our relationship because she means so much to me. And even if we were to become open or, God forbid it, break up, it still doesnt guarentee I'll ever find a dom for me, I looked a lot online for like 5 years and never found anybody that is trustworrthy, nice, and my type. At least none that ever liked me back.

I feel so lost and confused and scared. I don't know what to do. If I could just make all these kinky feelings and desires go away, it would fix everything. I'd no longer feel jeaous around my friends anymore, and I'd be perfectly content with my current relationship. Is there a way to get rid of my kinky subby side? My life would be so much easier if I was vanilla, instead of being swamped by these deep, abysmal desires. I want to feel submissve so badly, I want to give every part of me to someone, I want to completely lose myself in their control. It has been my greatest and deepest desire for my entire adult life. But I dont want to want it. I don't want to feel that submissive appetite anymore, it only serves to hurt me now. What can I do? I feel so awful all the time. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

tldr: i am infested with kinky submissive desires and they are doing me far more bad than good, is there a way to get rid of them???