I think, unfortunately, this is going to be one of those self-pitying posts. Things have been hard for the last couple of years. Prior to the pandemic, I was part of a small but active kink community in a larger city in the UK, and was somewhat involved in organising events. I'm in my mid 30s, and have been in the kink community since I was 18, so felt like I had my place set out for me and was actually enjoying being one of those slightly older, experienced voices to guide people just setting out on their own journies.

Then, of course, the pandemic. I moved house to somewhere more rural in the middle of it, and while I didn't fall out of the scene entirely, I found the transition to online difficult. Some other people I was closer to moved away, or similarly stopped being so active, and once things started to open up again I found it hard to readjust.

Then, about a year ago, I was hospitalised with what I now know is multiple sclerosis. I've mostly recovered from that first relapse, but I suffer from chronic fatigue and attention issues. Most of my emotional energy is forced to go on work because I have a mortgage to pay and a life to live and pets to feed, and all of a sudden the idea of finding a play partner or a relationship seems daunting. I had the opportunity recently for that kind of connection via a chance re-encounter with an old friend, and we had a good time, but the next day I found myself exhausted.

So, I'm back on reddit and the other online haunts, and have had a few good conversations around the inevitable bots and unread messages that are just part of it all, but even here I find myself forgetting to reply to someone for a few minutes and then the conversation never continuing, or running out of energy. It also seems harder than it used to be to find those moments of humour and connection that can make online play special. If you asked me five years ago if I thought I'd be here I would never have thought so, and I'm finding that adjustment hard.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here in this kind of situation, or up too late feeling sorry for themselves. How are you coping with it all?