QUESTION: How do others safely satisfy their need for rape/non-consent desires?

I've always been a very hypersexual person spanning back from 4yo until 34y later. Ever since I was a yound child I've had r4pe fantasies being the victem. At the age of 8 I had these weird conveyer belt fantasies. Now that fantasy has become more coherent and detailed over the years. Up until 13yo I had no shame, and masterbated at least 2xd to violent. I didnt know these were abhorent behaviors. My parents and therapist knew I was self pleasuring to self sooth. At 13 I eventally told my counsler about non consent desires who made it clear fantazising about sexual violence was not a good thing, I was recreating trauma as a baby, that something was wrong with me, and for my mental health needed to stop thinking about it. Well, that didnt work because even today I struggle with having an orgasm without thinking about being r4ped. I struggled with shame and self loathing about wanting to be kidnapped, abused, fucked, used, hurt, choked etc. For over or over 2 decades. I got into a nrelationship where I was a houseboi for about a year. I enjoyed the sex so much it was rough, violent, and pushed my bounderies which was why I was in an abusive relatiinship to the point I almost died. I am married to a wonderful loving person who is as vanilla as they come, and asexual. They have tried doing it for me but BDSM isnt great when the other person doesnt like it. They will not have violent sex. We agreed that I can have sex with other people as long as my spouse knows about it, I follow the rules. I need more and my spouse will not fulfill. How do I satisfy this life long craving of being taken w/o my consent realistically and safely? How have you?