I had my first BDSM experience yesterday; He was amazing and very respectful in every single way, he even had to use my safeword for me (sorry, I thought at the moment that I could take more pain, He did asked me several times if I wanted to say it or if I was okay, before using it himself. I do think that my limits in my mind are way different than what my body wants/is capable of dealing with for now)

I cried when he was here, just because it was painful and because we did some orgasm denial.

But I have been crying since he left. I know that there's not much to understand about our desires and what we like, but i'm completely different outside my sub persona. I'm the other way around and I'm judging myself all the time; why do I like this? when did I start to get horny by thinking about pain and being humiliated? is this going to be the only way i'm gonna get fully satisfied?

I don't want to be rude with this, I know that a lot of people in this subreddit has a lot of experience, I'm just trying to read someone that gets what i'm going thru or that can understand what I like, because no one that I'm close to are inside the community or even like what I like, so is draining just trying to get them to understand some of it.

Is there an advice/a book/a quote or something that made you see yourself in a different light when having the kind of thoughts I'm constantly having? is this something is just going to go away with time and experience?

Thank you taking your time reading <3