After writing an introspection in my journal about the taboo kinks and fetishes I have, I decided that I no longer want to engage with them.

The first reason is that they weren't something that I had a good reason to engage with in the first place. I spent a lot of time internally justifying my actions; going back and forth between thinking "it's just a weird kink that's generally harmless" and "this goes against all my morals, values, beliefs and cultural teachings". I convinced myself that I gained personal fulfillment in enjoying things like consensual non-consent and raceplay, but it wasn't organic. I didn't ACTUALLY feel fulfilled by seeking out that content. I just chased the adrenaline rush of being perverted.

The second reason is that they're a direct result of childhood trauma and will not aid in my healing process. Now, I was never sexually abused or victimized because of my race. I may have had insecurities about my physical features and felt confusion about my sexuality, but it was never something that totally damaged me. Having unrestricted access to the internet at an early age (7 to be exact), however, DID damage my ability to think rationally. I have so much cognitive dissonance about just how badly hardcore BDSM content affected me, to the point where I'm scared to tell my therapist about it for fear of confronting myself and seeing her reaction. The truth is that l've become desensitized to extreme sexual content and that's a terrible thing (for me).

The third and final reason is that they're overriding my morals. I often condemn other people for engaging with content that I find reprehensible and disgusting, yet turn around and do the same thing in private. I don't hold myself to the same level of scrutiny as I hold everyone else because I feel insecure about my trauma and would rather project than hold myself accountable. It's disturbing that I read stories detailing one's sexual assault or racial discrimination and feel the utmost sympathy towards them, only to fetishized those same experiences later on for my own pleasure.

To be clear, there's nothing wrong with having taboo kinks. We're all adults who are mature enough (hopefully) to enjoy these things safely. I cast no judgment towards anyone. But, I urge you to really dig deep into understanding WHY you like these things and whether it's helping your healing process or harming your healing process. I would really like to start a discussion about this, as I think it’s incredibly important to check in with ourselves and reevaluate our kinks when they no longer feel comfortable for us.