PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU KNOW A BETTER PLACE TO ASK THIS QUESTION!

The question is: Was I getting sexualized by my stepdad? They claim I'm misunderstanding what he was doing. I have no idea where I could ask about this especially since this has BDSM elements in this story which probably will result into this getting taken down in other places and in my experience, bdsm community often has the best anwsers.

(Long text ahead, I don't know how to sum it up)

I've moved out of my mother's and stepdad's place leaving my little sister behind. I've started a healing journey of sorts and my social media is full of all sorts of videos by more or less psychologists and I got recommended a video about emotional incest. I recognised immediately that I haven't lived in an emotionally incestic situation but something stuck in my head: the term which meant "indirect sexual abuse". I googled it and recognised that wasn't the case either but a memory of my stepdad telling me I should wear skin tight jeans and skin tight t shirts (preferably with low cut) came.

I didn't have any friends because of multiple reasons but the message I felt like he was sending to me was "if you dress in tight clothes that make you pleasant to look at you'll receive the friends you want". He praised me and always told me I looked good in tight jeans (because 98% of the t shirts I had were already skin tight) and often told me I would look better in tight jeans whenever I asked him about a skirt. I've loved skirts and I find them comfortable because after a day of wearing jeans the belt area and my inner thighs are redder than my blush palette and very very painful.

I asked my little sister today if my stepdad has told her the same things after I've moved out now that he doesn't have anyone to tell to dress up in tight clothes. She said no, that neither of the parents were trying to direct her into wearing tight clothes. I talked with my biological (narcissistic and alcoholic so he could have just told me what I wanted to hear instead of what he was actually thinking) after that and in between him cursing my stepdad out, he said that my stepdad shouldn't care at all what I wear and that what I wear hasn't been offensive.

Encouraged by the sudden "yay someone agreed with me" I called my mother to ask about it. She started going on about how compared to my plump sister me having "thin bones" makes skin tight clothes look good and how they look good with my propositions. And that she isn't having a problem with wearing tight pants herself. Needless to say we didn't end up anywhere with the conversation especially since she made some incorrect assumptions (about me feeling like I need to ask permission to dress however I want ect).

I could hear my stepdad on the background of the phonecall, if it matters. She talked about how me "wearing thick leggings and long sleeves and dressing up like a pastor's daughter" (referring to me wearing thick fleece tights, a skirt and a collar shirt wool sweater during the -40° weather during winter) explains why people my age don't want to befriend me. As if I was wearing the clothes during summer instead of regular shorts or a sundress. She claimed it also explained why men 10 to 40 years older than me approach me on sites where I'm not showing my face, body or even my real name. Apparently me feeling uncomfortable and the message of "be pleasing to the eye and you'll get friends and someone wants to be your boyfriend" was a complete misunderstanding false. I've looked up to him as an all knowing god of some sort, putting myself into the role of a "misfit in everything" because I couldn't force myself to enjoy wearing something so uncomfortable knowing that it was something I wore out of wanting to present an untrue image of myself for the sake of acceptance.

I also recall as an 1 1 year old ch!ld (who didn't speak English) listening to Rihanna's S&M song and after asking about it (I had never seen official music videos or lyrics) from my stepdad he basically introduced me to bdsm. At 1 1 years old, tho I'm not too sure if it matters. Also talking about the same topic with him later in life he judged my interests in bdsm to be wrong and that I should choose to like the things I assume he likes. I should like leather, black, bondage and being submissive and the things I liked were "worse than being sexually attracted to animals" according to him. He started saying that there's not too much wrong about having sex with an animal as long as the animal doesn't get harmed but adults doing certain roleplays or being into certain things are wrong in his opinion. Also, he has never laid hands on me inappropriately before anyone asks. He did have a habit of especially night to walk around completely naked but I guess it's completely normal since he sleeps naked.

He has always had this type of "you can choose to what you are interested in" and constantly indirectly said that "you need to be a smiling girl interested in cars, motorbikes, planes, like the colour orange (his favourite colour) and wear skin tight (preferably leather) clothes in order to make friends".

The worst thing is that when I did put on the skin tight pants, nothing even happened. No one paid extra attention, no one wanted to be my friend... The only thing that changed was him being a bit happier. He still sends me articles that basically say "smile, you'll get friends if you smiled more" as a way to help me get friends.

Because he saved me from my abusive bio father a part of me that sees him as an all knowing god thinks that if I were to just smile more, wear the clothes and force my attention towards things I'm not interested in, I'd be escorted to the paradise of having friends and genuine human connection. But another part of me says that he's being creepy and I should do the opposite of what he's saying, that I should be myself because otherwise people around me would connect to the false "hot motorcycle grl" persona instead of real me. Another part of me wants to put myself above him and recognise that he's just a human and that I can't force him into accepting me as I am. Especially since he takes my liking to pink, tulle, ruffles, dolls, flowers and much more as a personal attack towards him. I don't even know if what hes saying is actually the way other humans work because I haven't had friends since elementary school and the only friend I have lives 300 km away and she works so hard she can video call only about once a month with me for an hour at most.

My parents (mom & stepdad) want me to come to spend the summer vacation with them and a part of me wants to go just because "yay there's lake with water that I can actually swim in" but that's about it. My last visit in their place was filled with things, I met my friend, bio father and two random strangers online just so I didn't have to spend too much time around them. Tho time away from the town and not isolating in my apartment would be good, I can't tell if I would actually enjoy being with them because I feel like I have to play-pretend that everything is fine when it's not. I don't know how to verbalise all this without offending him.