Hello all,

I've been on an exciting downward spiral with pleasant uphill battles. I've climbed a mountain, spat off the edge and then threw myself down the grassy side. Currently I'm laying in a mud puddle cooling my bruises and figuring out how to make fire.

Several weeks ago I made a post looking for a Domme, I went in depth on my needs, wants, desires, damage and progress. I received a goodly amount of positive outreach, and the token pinch of negativity. It was great. Much of the experience was intensely validating and gave me insights I didn't have.

For the first time I represented myself with strong submissive preferences in a semi public forum and rather than a feeling of peaceful reflection it was mostly anxious excitement, like I'd popped the cap on a bottle of nervous nitrous.

This adrenaline spike led me back into irl pursuits, chasing that dragon of "yes, this is stepping forward" where I discovered something critically concerning and indirectly heartbreaking.

I was wrong.

After nearly decade of monogamy, a broken marriage, an unhappy recovery period and a metric ton of therapy and self introspection I thought I knew what I needed. Here began the BCF's.

I was (you guessed it) somewhat wrong.

Before I go into that let me step back.

I'm a year and some change out of the afore mentioned messy divorce, I've tried to date casually and realized I had a lot of work to do. Kink wasn't even on the radar until I met someone who ticked all of the boxes I didn't know I had tick spaces for. That situation happened too soon. Right person, wrong time.

I incorrectly assumed it was because I wasn't happy in a Dominant role, something that I'd struggled with during my marriage before kink lost its luster. Shelving the dominance issues I began working on myself with therapy and other pursuits.

In time I was back, refreshed and ready for something else. The next situation I found myself in was (surprise) pursuing a D/s dynamic and again, I ended up on the D side. This time things fell apart not because it was too soon for me to be pursuing anything, but because personal incompatibilities and life logistics got in the way. Wrong girl, right time.

So I stepped back, and fixed the life logistics portion. This was hard. This was nasty.

I came back, stable and sad. Tired and lonesome and bruised and hurt. I felt low. I felt like I was done martyring for my own cause; I wanted to be someone elses cheerleader. Finally, I liked me. I knew people were capable of liking me. I wanted to fall into something, or in all actuality someone in the healthiest manner I knew how.

Hard. Work.

Which is my kink at the end of the day. It's all about the service.

So I threw myself out there, I said hey, pick Me. I'm witty, mysterious, strong and determined, but you can melt me with your breath. I'm here, a big boy with big submissive energy, come and get me.

Stepping forward again to the present.

I met some really lovely and really neat people. I recieved some very thoughtful insights and outside perspectives. A couple times I virtually got my reality checked. Eventually I met someone who things began clicking with. It was great, I started to learn more about submission, I remembered things I'd forgotten. I slipped into old broken in habits and felt complete. Perhaps this was the missing ingredient.

Naivety is powerful. It's a balm, a cap to that bottle of nervous energy we cracked open. I still had the concern, the anxiety, the drive to not disappoint and it manifested in strange ways.

Remember those insights and perspectives?

It was the first time I'd ever heard "topping from the bottom". Previously I'd been told "You're so eager just shut your brain off and let me drive." Or "Learn to serve not swerve."

This person and I had discussed kink frequently and dipped our toes occasionally and I made the cardinal sin of assuming I had any measure of understanding how a dynamic with someone I just met should play out. The first bits of awkwardness were us getting to know eachother, the elbow rubbing and the chest thumping. Eventually it became a really hard reality check where she told me I was struggling with a control issue. Pleasure didn't have to be anticipated or dictated it wasn't a matter of turning this wrench to torque spec or heating this metal to critical or splicing this wire just so.

In my head, me anticipating my Domme's wants is me being flexible and service oriented. In her specific dynamic needs, this was me bucking her authority. I couldn't fathom this, it made me...frustrated in a broad sense. I know how to work hard, I know how to fix. Let me pick up the heavy thing and put it down. This is what I'm good for, don't you see? This is my thing. I'm a good boy/dog/tool/toy/existentialnonconformist.

Over time this person helped me discover that maybe the things I thought I wanted weren't stone set needs, maybe they were well wishes I drew on the beach at low tide. She admitted there were times she liked me pushing back slightly or felt tingly when I took a little more initiative.

A Switch got flipped on both ends. (I know you saw what I did there. Yes. I did the thing. Thats the title of the movie in the film. Everyone clapped.)

This feeling has been different.

I've since met other folks who I could never have a submission based dynamic with and whom I enjoy the dominance that I previously felt hollow in. I realized that maybe things for me come in circles not waves. Maybe there's a time for all of it, there's certainly a time for some...and none.

Just like there's sliding spectrums of sexuality, there's sliding spectrums of kink as well. For whoever reads this, once you stop pinching the bridge of your nose and rolling your eyes at this obvious understatement of reality, please understand this was less of a realization and more of an affirmation. An understanding.

I don't have to be defined by my point of progress, by my journey and experience, by my sum of parts or by my breadth of whimsicals.

I will be different things at different times, my identify doesn't have to conform to what feels comfortable. I don't have to be validated by inner equilibrium or outer stimulation. I will be different things for different people. I will have different understandings at different points.

I don't have to run towards this idealized endgoal anymore because...where's the end?

I can be Dominant with whom and when and where I feel. I can be Submissive under these same scenarios. I can be neither.

There's a surety in uncertainty.

I just have to Be.

When you boil it down like that it's simple. I'm driving my body. Sometimes I need a break and I can hand my heart and brain off. Other times I need to put someone else on my back. Both feel good.

Thanks for reading this, I hope this helped somebody. It's a mess of a ramble but I'm happy to have it off my chest. Regardless, it's three AM and I can't sleep. My alarm goes off at six and I have lost control.

Sometimes the best control is being OK without it. Sometimes people will take what you can give, other times people will give when you can't take.

The only thing that matters is enjoying those big feelings. That moment when the clouds open up and you catch a breeze and for just a few seconds nothing hurts anymore. When your head and heart stop fightin, and start fuckin. Pardon my language.

I'm here for the Big Confused Feelings.