There's a distinction between being dominant and being a "Dom". I've enjoyed many interactions with submissive partners throughout my adult life. A handful of them are likely to be reading this post. There are many, many upsides to being a Dom, which I'll post separately. But I'm motivated to write this first. I’m pretty open with these posts, and this community has been great in the past - so here goes!
I need kink to feel fulfilled in life. It's not the physical sexual acts, it's the mental piece, the interaction, and the exploration of the limitless depths of another person. Transparently, this is one of the main reasons I truly enjoy BDSM in general, and why I seek partners here on Reddit. I realize many people reading this are involved in kink with one monogamous partner and I absolutely love that. I’m interested in your perspective as it relates to your scenario too.
My sexual interactions vary. My ideal state is to have a long term kink partner who's high in chemistry and low in drama. A partner who knows how to challenge me, to bait me, to hold my interest. These people are out there but their numbers are few, and I'm very selective because of the investment required. These dynamics have lasted as long as three years, and are never initiated with the goal of them turning into a long term romance, or have the possibility of turning into one. But they are caring, and the connection formed is almost always stronger than steel. I'm always looking for a longer term partner, and in the process I have shorter term flings from time to time. The goal of these is usually to find something longer term, or to just have fun.
Over the course of these interactions, and while I’ve been searching for a longer term partner, I’m reminded of some downsides to being a Dom. Some of these aren’t just applicable to dominant partners.
Cancellations - This hasn’t been terribly common, but when it does happen, it really sucks. There is a ton of planning and logistics that go into planning and implementing scenes. From STI testing, to making sure the toys and supplies are procured, the hotel, snacks, water, etc. I’ve found that it’s so important to properly vet potential play partners to make sure that they are capable of following through. It also helps to have my partner partially invested in the meetup, asking a partner to STI test is a good way to do this, or setting a meeting location that requires some planning and follow through on their part also.
Feelings - The connection I mentioned above doesn’t come without a cost. Being in the leadership role for sexual interactions makes me responsible for my sub, and that feeling of responsibility is often combined with pride (proud of her), infatuation, closeness, and mutual understanding at a visceral level. We’re exposing ourselves, and parts of us that aren’t otherwise known or accepted by others. It’s powerful. It needs to be reconciled against the whole landscape. I’ve gotten good at channeling all of this energy into friendships, but it hasn’t always been that easy. Many of my closest friends are past play partners. My best friend was my sub for over 3 years - nobody knows me better than her, and vice versa. But experiencing kink that’s void of emotional availability is like a grayscale photo of a sunset. It’s a balance. It’s not easy. Recognizing, and managing feelings can always get painful and messy, even with the best communicators.
Misrepresentation - I have a fairly heavy filter criteria. I’m looking for high chemistry while weeding out any red flags. This is part of what goes into being selective. I never ask for photos of partners who I meet from online interactions, so it’s impossible to be catfished based on looks. Misrepresentation is still a risk when it comes to age and experience, though. Often there’s a view that a sub has to act a certain way, but outside of role-play acting doesn’t really have much value, and can be a real let down when we’ve gotten to the point of a meet-up.
Ghosting - I was ghosted recently, and I didn’t have a particularly strong connection to the partner, and it still always stings. It’s never about what you think it’s about - so have to move on, but there’s always suck involved.
So these are the big ones that I’ve come across - I’m interested in the thoughts of others here on their experiences?
What are downsides you tolerate? What are things you don’t tolerate anymore? What lessons have you learned?