I don’t know if this will help, or how good at explaining myself I’m going to be - but when I think about these things it isn’t so much what happens (who does what to whom) but the psychology underneath it that’s important. So taking your example of washing and caring for your subs for example, which yes I totally get, you can absolutely do that in a dominant caregiver type way. If you flip the narrative of why it’s happening and the psychology beneath it can also be beautifully submissive. So, (this might not fit but find a scenario that you like), if you are the beautiful mysterious Deity or the powerful Roman slave owner or the beloved ruler (you get the idea..), then they are lucky to be able to touch you and that’s their reward. Can you meditate a bit into a character that you like, dress up on your own in your bedroom in whatever outfits makes you feel hot and pose about with your favourite bad ass music on, whatever would feel right for you to find this character and have that persona ready like a costume to slip into in future?

Then you choose something which you experience as feeling good and would enjoy, even if not sexual (swirly tickles on your back / foot rub / hair stroke, being dressed or undressed, them being a footstool so you can stretch your legs out and be the right angle for the tv, having your hair washed …. ?) you either tell them your wishes beforehand while you’re just talking and then they have to ask permission on the day to do it or you imperiously request it at the time. It’s the same or similar act as you might do to them but it’s the opposite end of the scale when you do so it’s because you decided to and it’s for their own good, but when it happens to you it’s because your pleasure is paramount and they are there to serve you. The pleasure that you get when you attend to them is the same for them as when they do to you but the underlying psychology and narrative makes it different. If you can start getting off on the power and the service then something you’re enjoying might one day spark a sexual response, because the context has changed (not presuming to know your body better than you at all, sorry, just I know for me context is massively important in whether something is a turn on or not).

I feel like if you’re naturally a very caring nurturing D then it’s unlikely that yelling at someone or humiliating them or strictly ordering someone to do something for you is going to sit well. But if you can find scenario where you can sweetly and calmly request it and it fits a story that you’re comfortable with then it might fit better. Then you can call them good (..boy, girl, precious?) and praise them if they pleased you, if that’s your thing. Or maybe if they were stripped naked except for a collar and performing these things on their knees while repeating words of devotion you might find it easier to feel dominant while receiving pleasure? I just think you know yourself best, focus on the psychological aspects that you enjoy and as you said, have helped you to explore your sexuality this way, and get that in place first, then bolt on activities that you’d find nice / relaxing / pleasurable to receive without chasing an orgasm.

Also I struggle with words around this sometimes, I think language is important. I don’t like someone saying they’re going to “make me” orgasm. It sounds clunky and I haven’t found a better phrase yet, but “provide” me with an orgasm sounds better to me. As well as all the other “bloody hell haven’t you cum yet??!” pressure. Just take all those expectations away and focus on what you would like in that moment, dressed up in a scenario and context that appeals and then take it for what it is.

Hope that wasn’t too rambling and awful to read :)