I'm trying to process this situation and would really value input, guidance, feedback from this community.

My wife (32f) and I (35 NB transmasc) recently decided to seek out play partners for threeway play. We've been looking specifically for masculine people who have a dick.

We pretty quickly moved from dick shopping to negotiating and flirting to playing with someone (m 25) who we found to be communicative, says consent is sexy, and into everyone being on the same page.

I am newer to the scene, having been introduced by my spouse. As we've gone along negotiating with potential partners I've recognized what some of my boundaries and limits are that I hadn't considered.

This partner, first time we played, talked about PIV with no condom being something he would be interested in. My wife could be into it. It took me a lot of reflecting to recognize that this is a hard no for our play, that I don't want anyone fucking my wife's pussy without protection.

I really wish I'd said this explicitly to this partner. Instead I talked it over with my wife and agreed that it's fine and fun to talk about it. She wants it and can say she wants it to tease and flirt but it's daddy's rule no dick in pussy without a condom.

Before our third session we talked about him picking up condoms.

Yesterday we planned for our next play session, talked about condoms, and he asked should I get condoms? I said yeah! He said last time I fucked without. I lost my shit. He said I thought you knew? He then said she would have known the difference and she knew and that we need to get on the same page.

I'm done with this partner and we are both processing this.

Since first meeting this first partner with all other contenders I've been direct- condoms for PIV, no condom is a hard no. So I've definitely learned that.

There were some potential red flags that I'm wondering if others would consider red flags. -complained about condom fitting several times -first encounter told a story about donating sperm and being told he has a low speed count -says he doesn't have precum -he's into edging, which is all fine and dandy, but has not cum for us at all and now is saying he can't cum with a condom. I don't remember him saying that before but I would have considered that a red flag.

A question I have on my mind:

Would you say it is a norm in good consensual play to explicitly discuss penetration with no condom before doing it? Even if we've sexy talked about it before? I had assumed that, and also assumed that about other kinds of play, like we can sexy talk about bondage and impact play but we'd need to discuss before you bust out your tools in play.

What he said about she would feel the difference and know....he just said this this morning and I haven't had the chance to talk this over with my partner. I told her last night it's not something to decide in the heat of the moment and he should have brought it up before play. I want to reassure her that she didn't do anything wrong but...am i missing something? I feel violated even though it wasn't my body. She is confused and feels guilty. I'm a bit confused on this.

I have lots of love for BDSM community for deepening and expanding understanding consent and its nuances, which is why I'm posting here specifically. Thanks for reading.