Long story short, I got tentatively invited to a cool kinky event. A serious and experienced organiser, vetted partners, a bunch of toys, two nights sharing a hotel room and having a good time.

By all accounts, it sounds delightful and like a wonderful opportunity to cross a few fantasies off of my bucket list. It's an opportunity for which I've been waiting and working for a long time. Four or five women, not counting me, and two or three men.

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity for me.

I will also be refusing this invitation.

I will have no choice but to refuse because, on top of the regular risks and insecurities about having sex with a bunch of strangers at the same time, I'm a lesbian, and that's something even well-meaning and kind people never seem to understand.

I've been at this for a while. I've seen the women for whom kissing another girl is kinky and exciting, but feel no real sapphic attraction to be with a woman. I've seen the men who claim to respect lesbians, but who are really just turned on by us and hope that we'll make an exception for them. I've seen what happens to even allies when sex and alcohol are involved, how they suddenly forget that me being gay is not something I can, nor do I want to turn off for their enjoyment.

I would be more than happy to compromise here. I don't mind men seeing me naked, or even doing sexual stuff. I'd be happy to share the space with men and straight girls, that's part of the fantasy and I understand these events are not built around me. But in any case, I would (probably) be the only lesbian in this event and maybe even the only sapphic girl, and I know it wouldn't be a good time for me. I don't want men to touch me, I don't want the woman I'm with to be doing anything reluctantly, I don't want to be asked if I'm really sure I'm gay, if I don't want to join this guy and his girllfriend...I've been there before, and it's always awful when people don't understand I'm not anyone's fetish.

It's just a shame that sapphic-only spaces in BDSM are near-nonexistent, at least in my experience. In the end, men are always going to be involved one way or another, and that runs in complete opposition with my identity, my wants, and my needs

I don't imagine anyone has any ideas here? I'm truly bummed out by having to skip this event