I am 21 year old M sub, I been having fantasies like being caught as a secret sissy and getting blackmailed to do extremely humiliating things. Or I should say, I want to be in a state where I am powerless and defenseless against my dom, and being controlled in every aspects of my life.

but as I search for a dom, it seems most blackmail and parental control kinks are almost always strongly connected to findom; and as far as I wanna lose control, I am kinda scared of actually doing in in real life. I have been experimenting parental control on myself, it's very exciting, I love it, but I just can't find someone I can trust to actually do this.

Constantly I have this conflict in my mind, arguing whether or not I should just do it, and find how frustratingly hard to find someone who has the patience to discuss the play properly before wanting to make things way too complicated.

I am probably rumbling here, but I found myself conflicted by my own kinks. At one hand, I am struggling to find someone to play with when I really longing it, at the other hand, I am hesitant to give full control as I sense much insecurity.

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I hope I have made myself clear, please advise me, thank you.