I often get messages on Fetlife and other platforms asking, “how did you find kink?”. I won’t go into specifics, but I knew I was different at age 17, again at 19, and fully confirmed at 23. I’m now 43 and have been embracing my talents my entire adult life. I should also add that I’ve never been married but have had LTRs.

While I’m cheering for the new folks who are getting a late kinky start in life (divorced, left the church, etc.), I find that the newness is so intoxicating that they treat so many of us as disposable or as objects for their pleasure. It’s always the same, “I’d never treat you that way. You mean so much to me….”, yet in my experience they seem to be the worst offenders. Even the ones who’ve been “out” for several years seem to be doing it as well.

Does this behavior have a name? Has anyone else had this experience? I don’t want to sound judgey but man it’s been rough over the last five years. I try to stay away from partners that could fit into this category but they seem to be hiding everywhere.