I was really into bdsm in my 20s. I was in a lot of relationships that accomidated or appreciated those needs, and lots of bdsm experience. Until I fell deeply in love and was crushed when it ended, this post isn't about that so I will sum it up by saying, I blamed my sexual desires for pushing this person away.

So it took me a long time, no sex, no relationships, just stitching myself up and putting myself back together. I started to think about me and as a submissive really just being submissive to my partner is just as rewarding and doing what they want, so I worked hard to pull my self up stayed single and waited, and stopped thinking about my personal sexual needs, and focused on the substance of friendships and relationships.

Fast forward 4 years later. I meet a great guy we get along in every way. He's nilla, I'm ok with that, I would give everything and anything to keep whatever this is, and whatever is building here, I never want to be without it. I never want to be without him.

Fast forward 2019, we are perfect, we are best friends, no one makes me feel the way he does and he proposes. Together for 8 years, Today-- however, I've hit a major depression, I quit my job, I hardly leave the bed, I feel myself rotting with guilt and emotions and while I feel I am getting better, and he has been nothing but supportive. I need help pulling myself back together, and live again, because this is not living.

I start to fantasize of my old desires, my old life, my required routines listed, required, everyday tasks, which I looked. I never questioned any task because it was in submission I was able to pull myself out of these holes I dig myself in. I was able to feel pleasure and sub space is amazing.

Another new development, I have been starting to bring back my hidden masochistic tendencies I've surrender and suppressed for 8 years, because I was content and everything was perfect. I've been participating in self destructive behaviors like burning myself wearing clamps under my clothes for hours, cutting myself and acting like a mess.

During this time my now fiance has started to get more into bdsm with me, as I've been talking about more of my likes and dislikes and because it's coming back into my mind and my fantasies and that is not only new for him, but he doesn't hate it, not into the rough stuff but the lighter things he tolerates, maybe likes some of it.

I have had lots of time for self reflection this go round, and think about my actions. The masochiTic tendencies, talking to him about things we might be able to sneak in, like collars or spankings and the big reveal is reason I might turn to bdsm when things are falling apart?

So.. today, I start actively seeking that list of a required routine, and that firm hand to hold me accountable. It's to mend myself by putting myself together with the help of another person, because I'm not perfect, and this is how I cry for help.

I just thought I would share this story with others, to hopefully help someone see a piece of their own soul, if they can relate. I mean of course, this post is about my own self reflection! While this post is personal, if it helps others express what they need to their partner I'm glad to have shared it with you.

I plan on talking with him about it tonight, asking for help and I look forward to what he says and how ir developes. I'm hopeful.