I have been into kink/bdsm for almost my entire life but for various reason I haven’t physically explored too deeply. I have usually been more on the submissive leaning side but I am a switch. In the last year ago my dom/sadist side really opened up, started with some impact play, wanted more, got involved in the local community, munches, some play parties. Wife and I started opening to the idea of play with others, both met someone (each) just exploring.

The woman I met became friends with of us, and my wife encouraged we try play. We played at a couple parties and then once briefly at our home, my wife was present for most of it and encouraging, she liked watching but felt awkward just staring. It felt good, after warmup I didn’t feel like I had to hold back at all, full force with a riding crop kinda stuff, had spots to avoid hitting and full consent etc, wasn’t my intent to bruise but left some which weren’t unwelcome. Started talking about being regular play partners and moving beyond just casual, potentially a D/s relationship.

Well like any relationship I guess we started to bond a bit, texting more, wife hit the brakes. Apparently my wife was trying to convince herself she was ok with this because she wanted to give this to me, and it all imploded. Going forward we decided its just going to be us, no other play partners. My wife and I have and continue to have a great sex life, its far from vanilla, but with her tolerance and limits I have to hold back a lot of what I want to do. I can’t have that high feeling of being completely in control of someone. I really enjoyed having someones submission at that level, my wife will never fully submit like that, and I don’t think I would want her to, there are many things about our relationship that I want and need that would not be full-filled if she were, and I would never trade that. She gave me an out if I wanted it, and even offered to give me some time alone to explore it, but I love her too much and could tell it was hurting her, so I could never do that.

I don’t regret my choice, staying with is what is best for me, my wife is the best thing to ever happen to me, but for a brief moment in time I had my cake and ate it too. I wish I could just turn it off, and its even possible that if I had continued I might have eventually got bored with it like a phase or wanted even more I don’t know. I try to distract myself, focus my attention else where, when I do think/fantasize I feel guilty and my libido has taken a nose dive.