I (48f) met a friend (44m) for drinks last night. There's nothing romantic going on between us, but we're good friends and can be really candid with each other. He's vanilla/het/monogamous at heart, but takes a vicarious curiosity in my kinky/poly/omni life and I'm happy to tell him what's going on in my love life.

During the course of the evening he revealed to me that he hasn't had a relationship in years, and while he is a little lonely and would like companionship, he's not motivated enough to take the leap and meet someone. When I asked why, he explained that he has to reach a certain "critical mass" of desire to make the effort, risk rejection, etc. and he never reaches that critical mass because that threshold is bled off by the easy relief of porn. Add to that a fear of coming across the wrong way as a Harvey Weinstein monster, he just doesn't pursue women in any way. He's not discontent, but he's also not truly happy.

I told him I'd also felt a sea change after the pandemic in men. I'm interested in men as partners, but it feels like the times I've expressed vanilla romantic/sexual interest (appropriately, but unambiguously - you can't blame "I had no idea she was flirting with me" obtuseness on this one) there's just been a lot of . . . I don't want to say resistance, or reluctance, but just a flabby unwillingness to explore the opportunity. I can understand men wanting to be really careful now that the dialogue about sexual harassment and assault has opened up. But there's a real lack of erotic urgency to "seize the moment", and value that rare, magic serendipity of two people revealing they're into each other.

That's why I switched over to the kink scene. It feels like this is the last bastion of people who actually want to have sex with other people. I described to him how we talk about sex, we talk about what we want and don't want, and then we actually have it. There's a protocol for how we dialogue about it that lets us voice those desires in the open, and a roadmap so that we don't hurt ourselves or others while we're doing it. Those are incredible tools that the standard romantic heterosexual script just doesn't have. Those tools have been indispensable for me and have helped me grow, understand, and value myself.

Are we really the last ones standing? Is the kink community the last remaining place for those who want to have actual sex with actual other people?

And maybe, more pressingly, are the vanillas okay?

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